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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27924811">Adventures in Shame</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myathewolfeh/pseuds/Myathewolfeh'>Myathewolfeh</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ENHYPEN (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Everyone's a virgin if that isn't obvious, First Kiss, Grinding, I-Land References, Innuendo, Kissing, M/M, Masturbation, Tagging as I go, Wet Dream</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:35:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>33,106</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27924811</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myathewolfeh/pseuds/Myathewolfeh</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sunghoon throws up his hands. “Okay, okay,” he says, taking a deep breath and sounding just a bit overwhelmed. “So, what you’re saying is that… us,” he points between the two of them, “we are gonna learn how to charm girls by practicing on each other?”</p><p>Put that way, yes, it does sound a little weird. Okay, a lot weird. But Jay doesn’t give up. That’s not him. “Yeah.”</p><p>“Like… how, exactly?”</p><p>Jay frowns. Admittedly, he hadn’t gotten to this part of his plan. Fuck, why had he decided to bring this up today? “Maybe…” he begins, grasping at straws. <i>What do girls like, what do girls like?</i> He tries to recall the dating advice he’d been reading through, but it feels like his brain is short-circuiting. “Um, uh, h-holding hands?”</p><p>Sunghoon barks a laugh. “What?”</p><p>“I don’t know!” Jay blurts, running a hand nervously through his hair. He knows his face is growing redder by the minute. “It’s just a suggestion, okay?”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Park Jongseong | Jay/Park Sunghoon, Park Jongseong | Jay/Park Sunghoon/Shim Jaeyoon | Jake, Park Sunghoon/Shim Jaeyoon | Jake, eventual ot7 - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>80</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>376</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys! I know I haven't updated my BTS fics in a while and I want you to kow that, yes, I am still working on them! For now, though, here are the first two chapters of an ENHYPEN fic I couldn't help but start to help tide you over. Prepare to open another chapter in Jay's continuous history of Resentment, Anger, and Shame. XD</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jay hadn’t let the fact that he’d never been on a date with a girl, had never kissed one, and had definitely never had sex with one, bother him. He prided himself on the fact that he could keep his troublesome teenage hormones in check enough to focus on his idol career. True, occasionally he slipped up and was forced to jerk off quietly in the dorms, even during the competition, but even then it didn’t seem like a big deal. After all, he knew he wasn’t the only one doing it; Nicholas did such a poor job of being discreet when he got off that it became a running joke. “Don’t go in there, he’s busy,” would be code for Nicholas having just gotten caught and, “Nicholas woke me up last night,” was a common complaint at the breakfast table, much to Nicholas’s chagrin. Jay would laugh along with the rest of them, give Nicholas his customary ribbing, but, internally, he judged. <em> How irresponsible, </em> he would think. <em> Can he not control himself or something? It’s childish. </em>Jay knew he had a superior grasp on his sexual impulses, probably because he’d been training longer than most of the other guys here. He was mature, could always rise above his most base desires…</p><p>And then he made the cut for ENHYPEN.</p><p>All that he’d been living for came to fruition in one night, all those years training and hoping and working himself to the bone. He didn’t realize how exhausted he was, how he hadn’t stopped going since he concluded that he wanted to be an idol, until then. And this sentiment seemed to be reflected in every one of his new group members’ eyes when they left the stage that night. Although they celebrated and danced and sang and horsed around for a good hour afterward, they practically fell into their beds, unmoving except for their breathing. All anxiety gone. Relief. Finally, their dreams had become reality.</p><p>Unfortunately for Jay, that relief translated into a raging hard-on that was so demanding it woke him up in the middle of the night. As always, he got off quickly and quietly, kind of ashamed at himself that his carefully-maintained control had slipped. Surely it wouldn’t happen again. </p><p>Oh, how very wrong he was.</p><p>Every night before he went to sleep, it happened. Then again, every morning just after he woke up. It was like his body had reset itself to before his trainee days, overreacting in the worst of ways to how much less stress he was now under. His sudden horniness was a culmination of all those times he had denied his own needs in favor of work, rushing back with dizzying, overwhelming force. Soon, his mind was filled with constant thoughts of getting off and then of sex—which was ridiculous, seeing as he’d never had it, so how could he possibly imagine what it would look or feel like? He hadn’t even watched any porn for a good year. Even so, the fantasies kept invading his every waking hour. At dance practice. During photoshoots. While sitting in class. When they were all eating together in the dining room at the new dorm. When he was just hanging out, listening to music or watching anime, for fuck’s sake. He could barely focus. </p><p><em> Maybe this wouldn’t be such a big thing if I wasn’t a virgin, </em> he thinks one day and that gets him wondering—just how many of them <em> are </em> virgins? He can’t possibly be the only one. He carefully considers each member. Heeseung is the oldest so, naturally, that means there is more of a chance he <em> isn’t </em> one, and he’s super talented and cool. Then there’s Jake, who Jay is sure is still a virgin because he’s so shy and awkward. No way Sunghoon could be one, though, not with those good looks, so that’s one down. Sunoo seems like the romantic type, so maybe he’s dated, kissed, done a little fooling around. Jay can’t be sure with him. Jungwon is very young still, but he also has a sweet personality and gorgeous eyes. Just how dedicated had he been to his taekwondo? Enough to have not had time for dating? And Niki, well, no way he’s had sex. On top of being very withdrawn, he’s only 15. </p><p>Since Heeseung had gone to sleep early that night after an intense dance practice, Jay figures the only one he can talk to this about, who would know anything about sex, would be Sunghoon. </p><p>So he decides to just ask straight up. No point in beating around the bush; it would only make this more embarrassing. “Sunghoon, have you had sex?”</p><p>Sunghoon chokes on his ramyeon and for a moment Jay is afraid he’s killed him. But then the younger boy recovers, coughing and gasping as he sets his chopsticks down on the table and flashes him a bewildered look. “Uh, what?”</p><p>Jay licks his lips. Fuck, now he’ll have to repeat himself. Great. “I said, have you, um… have you ever had sex?” He winces at how much more nervous he sounds this time around. Damn that ramyeon. </p><p>Sunghoon’s face reddens and he doesn’t say a word, just stares. Just when Jay thinks he’s gone into shock, Sunghoon sputters out, “W-why do you want to know?” His eyes dart around to check for the others, but they’ve all retreated to their room. It’s just the two of them—Jay made damn sure of that before he even thought to bring this up.</p><p>Jay shrugs and hopes he looks casual as he sits back in his chair, stretching languidly, messing with his newly-blonde hair. “Dunno. Just curious.”</p><p>“Okay,” Sunghoon says slowly, cautiously. He clears his throat. “Uh, no. I haven’t.”</p><p>Jay frowns. “Huh.”</p><p>“Huh what?”</p><p>“I just thought you’d have had sex by now,” Jay answers, wondering how his assessment of Sunghoon could have been so off. Maybe he <em> is </em>losing it. </p><p>Sunghoon lets out an exasperated laugh. “What made you think that?”</p><p>“Do I really have to say?” Jay asks, eyeing him critically.</p><p>Sunghoon laughs again—more carefree this time, less tense—and shakes his head. “You think because I’m attractive that I’ve gotten laid?” He motions to Jay. “If that were true, you would have already had sex, too.”</p><p>For a second Jay wonders how Sunghoon could have possibly known he was a virgin and then he recalls when he had one of his rambling, TMI moments about never having had a girlfriend. On camera. He’ll never live that one down. He smirks regardless. “Yeah, you’re right.”</p><p>Sunghoon scoffs and picks up his chopsticks, returning to his ramyeon. “Well, aren’t you vain?”</p><p>“You tell me you think you’re handsome all the time!” Jay accuses. </p><p>Sunghoon shrugs. “I mean, I am.” He slurps up some noodles as Jay snorts. </p><p>“Ever had a girlfriend?”</p><p>Sunghoon shakes his head. “Nope. Too busy. With skating. Being a trainee. Never had the time for one.”</p><p>“But surely a girl must have asked you out?” Jay presses, irritated with himself that he’d been so far off-base. “Expressed an interest in you?”</p><p>“I <em> guess </em> some expressed interest.”</p><p>“What do you mean <em> some </em> expressed interest?” Jay is shocked at how few suitors Sunghoon has supposedly had. For a guy who looks <em> that </em>good? No fucking way. </p><p>“I mean that I don’t really understand girls because I haven’t been very close to any,” Sunghoon explains. “So I can’t tell if any have actually liked me or not.”</p><p>Jay opens his mouth to tell him that’s insane, there are obvious clues as to whether or not a girl likes you, but then he realizes that he has no idea what those are either. Damn, he’s not just a virgin. He’s a <em> super </em>virgin and, for some reason, that pisses him off a little. </p><p>Their conversation veers into other subjects—choreo, workout routines, how in the hell Sunghoon can do those crazy, never-ending spins—but the whole sex thing still smolders in the back of his mind. By the time Sunghoon finishes his meal and they head off to bed, Jay has a pulsing headache. Yet, as he finishes in the bathroom and slips under the covers, Sunghoon doing the same nearby, it isn’t enough to ward away his inevitable boner. He waits until Sunghoon’s breaths become shallow, spits on his hand, and goes to work. It’s an angry jerk-off session. A frustrated one. Why can’t this relentless arousal just <em> go away</em>? And why does he have to be a virgin? All of his high school friends have girlfriends. Hell, they’ve had <em> multiple </em> girlfriends. They tell him about them all the damn time. He’s 18 years old and he hasn’t even had his first kiss yet. Would he ever? Now that ENHYPEN is set to debut, he’ll be even busier than before. When would he have the time for a relationship? Just how long will he remain a virgin? Hearing that Sunghoon is also a virgin does little to ease his frustration. Sunghoon could have any girl he wanted, no problem. He’s so handsome and charming, it would be so easy for him. But for Jay, it would be harder. It would require <em> time</em>. Time that he simply won’t have in the coming weeks. </p><p>It drives him crazy. So much so that his sexual thoughts are replaced with constant reminders that he has no experience with girls. Girls! Their core fanbase! How in the hell will he be able to interact with them as an idol if he has no idea what they like? Sure, he could look it up, could <em> ask </em>, but emulating that is a whole other animal. He’d need practice. </p><p>And that’s when it hits him: practice. Maybe he doesn’t need to have full-on sex to understand. Maybe he doesn’t need to have full-on sex to ease his frustration. Just like dance practice is to prepare them for the stage, he could practice charm to prepare for the real thing. There’s only one problem: he needs a partner. </p><p>With ENHYPEN’s schedule, he won’t be able to leave the dorm except to go to shoots, school, the recording studio, and to meet up with the producers and directors. The only girls around are the makeup and hair noonas and a few of the dance instructors, and it would be, to say the least, <em> highly </em>inappropriate to ask for their help in that way. They’re probably contracted not to engage romantically with any of the members. That leaves the other guys and… oh god, how awkward would that be? Would it even be an accurate portrayal since he’s not into guys? Then again, would it be an accurate portrayal if a girl faked it for him? </p><p>A few days later Jay is thinking about bringing this problem up with Sunghoon, but Sunghoon does it for him. They’re sitting in their dorm room on their respective beds, Jay scrolling through his phone looking for dating advice and getting more and more frustrated while Sunghoon listens to music. Heeseung, Jungwon, and Jake are in the living room playing video games, their voices echoing loudly down the hall. Niki and Sunoo have gone to the attached studio for dance practice.</p><p>Then Sunghoon pulls out an earbud and mentions, right out of the blue, “Heeseung’s a virgin, too.”</p><p>Jay drops his phone on his chest, swearing. That’ll be a bruise. “He is?” he squawks, sounding way more interested than he’d intended.</p><p>Sunghoon nods, taking the other earbud out. “Yup. I asked him.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>Sunghoon frowns. “Why is he a virgin?”</p><p>“No! Why did you ask him?”</p><p>“The same reason you asked me.” Sunghoon messes with his phone. “I was curious, and he was understanding.”</p><p>Jay stares up at the ceiling. “<em>Huh</em>.”</p><p>“You thought he wouldn’t be one, too?”</p><p>“Yeah. I mean, he’s so—”</p><p>“Cool, I know,” Sunghoon completes for him, nodding appreciatively. “That’s what I thought. But, nope. He hasn’t even had a girlfriend. Speaking of, I also asked around and confirmed that <em> none of us </em> have had girlfriends.” He laughs. “Pretty pathetic, right?”</p><p>Jay shakes his head. “We’re one sorry bunch.” Still, that makes him feel a little better. At least he’s not alone. </p><p>“We’re one sorry, <em> successful </em>bunch,” Sunghoon points out. </p><p>There’s some silence and Jay glances down, sees Sunghoon about to put his earbuds back in, when impulse has him tossing his phone aside and catapulting himself upright. They’re alone, Sunghoon brought up the sex thing. This may be the time. “Sunghoon, can I ask you something?”</p><p>Sunghoon sets down his earbuds, eyeing him cautiously. “Sure.”</p><p>“Are you…” Jay starts, trying to find a way to ease into this so as to not scare him off, “<em> frustrated </em> that you haven’t had a girlfriend yet?” </p><p>Sunghoon’s eyes wander as he thinks. “Maybe a little. But it’s no big deal. It’ll happen eventually.”</p><p>“Yeah, but when’s ‘eventually’?” Jay asks, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. “Think about it: when would you have time to have a girlfriend now that we’re debuting?”</p><p>Sunghoon thinks some more, frowning. “You’ve got a good point.”</p><p><em> Okay, things are going well, </em> Jay thinks before adding, “And neither of us have any kind of experience with girls, who are our <em> main fanbase </em>, how will things work out for us once we start doing fan meets? How will we be able to live up to our charming idol personas if we have no idea how to charm?”</p><p>Sunghoon nods. “Another good point.”</p><p>“So, what I’m thinking is...” Jay pauses to wet his lips. <em> Here goes. </em> “What I’m thinking is what if—what <em> if </em> we do a little practicing?”</p><p>Sunghoon’s brows knit together. “Sounds logical,” he says in an open-ended kind of way, waiting for Jay to further elaborate. </p><p>Jay swallows. Is it really wise to possibly endanger their friendship before they debut? Then again, if Sunghoon is <em> really </em>his friend, he would understand. So he presses on, imbuing his voice with a confidence he doesn’t feel. “With each other.”</p><p>They stare across the room at each other for a long minute. Sunghoon’s face has paled and Jay thinks he can feel the air thickening between them. Then Sunghoon shakes his head and laughs nervously. “Y-you lost me. What?”</p><p>“I said we could practice,” Jay reiterated, thinking more and more that he’d fucked up. Really bad. Oh god, this is embarrassing. He cringes. “With each other.”</p><p>Sunghoon blinks a few times, quickly, his eyebrows shooting up. “What does that mean?”</p><p>Shit, Jay never thought he’d have to <em> explain </em> it. He thought Sunghoon would just get it. He hadn’t thought this through well enough, apparently. “Each other. <em> Us</em>,” he says, gesturing between them. “As in, we will use each other as props. Pretend the other one is a girl we have to charm…”</p><p>“But we’re not girls,” Sunghoon tells him slowly, as if he’s trying to explain something to a toddler. </p><p>Jay’s annoyance flares. “I <em> know </em>. But who else are we gonna practice on? Son Sungdeuk? The camera guys?”</p><p>Sunghoon throws up his hands, “Okay, okay,” he says, taking a deep breath and sounding just a bit overwhelmed. “So, what you’re saying is that… us,” he points between the two of them, “<em> we </em> are gonna learn how to charm girls by practicing on <em> each other</em>?”</p><p>Put that way, yes, it does sound a little weird. Okay, a lot weird. But Jay doesn’t give up. That’s not him. “Yeah.”</p><p>“Like… how, exactly?”</p><p>Jay frowns. Admittedly, he hadn’t gotten to this part of his plan. Fuck, why had he decided to bring this up <em> today</em>? “Maybe…” he begins, grasping at straws. <em> What do girls like, what do girls like? </em>He tries to recall the dating advice he’d been reading through, but it feels like his brain is short-circuiting. “Um, uh, h-holding hands?”</p><p>Sunghoon barks a laugh. “What?”</p><p>“I don’t know!” Jay blurts, running a hand nervously through his hair. He knows his face is growing redder by the minute. “It’s just a suggestion, okay?”</p><p>Sunghoon shakes his head. “I may not know a lot about what girls like myself, but I do know that holding hands comes <em> after </em> people start dating, not before.”</p><p>Jay huffs. “Well then what do <em> you </em>suggest?”</p><p>“I would suggest that you toss this idea out, because it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”</p><p>Jay’s eyes lower to his lap, feeling like a rebuked child. He should have <em> known </em> this wouldn’t work. </p><p>But then Sunghoon continues, “<em>But </em> since this really seems to be troubling you, I suggest we both do some research and <em> then </em> return to this… practice thing.”</p><p>Jay perks up. “Research? Like, you mean reading? Because I’ve already done—”</p><p>“More like <em> watching</em>,” Sunghoon interrupts. “In my skating days, it was always easier to understand certain moves when I watched someone else do them. I figure we need that kind of demonstration in this situation as well. Maybe… watching romantic K-dramas?”</p><p>Jay guffaws, almost falling back onto his bed. When Sunghoon just stares at him, not saying a word, Jay stops and says, “Oh, you’re serious?”</p><p>Sunghoon’s brows knit together. “Yes, I’m serious. You asked for my suggestion, so that’s what I suggest.”</p><p>Jay groans and actually does flop back onto his bed. “But K-dramas are so <em> boring </em> and <em> cheesy</em>. My mom watches them all the time and <em> talks </em>about them all the time and, just,” Jay shakes his head, “blech.”</p><p>Sunghoon chuckles, folding his arms across his chest. “You’re such a child.”</p><p>Jay shoots up again. “Nuh uh!” he snaps before he can catch himself and Sunghoon suppresses a laugh, snorting. Jay’s face heats up. “Okay, <em> fine</em>. If this is what it takes to get you to go along with this, I guess I’ll have to slog my way through some dramas,” he sighs. </p><p>“Good,” Sunghoon says, plugging his earbuds back into his ears. “Now go do some dancing at the studio or something. You’re been tense since this morning and everyone’s noticed.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The next day Jay was so busy he almost forgot about the K-drama thing. Then Sunghoon texted him some suggestions. Some suspiciously <em> thorough </em>suggestions, with titles that contained variations of “secret” and “love” and “kiss.” Just the thought of sitting down to watch such cheesy stuff makes him want to puke. He’s heard his mother rant and rave far too much about these shows and, to his horror, he even recognizes some of the titles she likes to watch. </p><p>He puts it off for as long as he possibly can, now frustrated, nervous, <em> and </em> resentful on top of everything else. But he knows he has to commit to <em> something </em>when Sunghoon gives him a small, encouraging smile and a thumbs up as he goes to bed early. So he finds a quiet corner somewhere far away from anyone who could possibly catch him watching this garbage and picks out a drama from Sunghoon’s list that is neither one of his mother’s favorites nor too gushy sounding.</p><p>Jay only meant to watch a couple of episodes. He really did. But, for some reason, he got sucked in and ended up falling asleep in the middle of an episode sprawled out on the couch in the living room. The long day of trailer shooting was probably what wore him down, made him less averse to watching the drama. Yeah, that had to be it. Thankfully, he’s woken up by the sound of voices and clinking dishes in the kitchen before anyone can discover him. Sitting up so fast he goes temporarily blind, he rushes to hide the evidence of his shame only to realize that his phone has long since died. </p><p>“Didn’t see you come to bed last night,” Sunoo comments when Jay wanders into the kitchen rubbing his eyes. He’s sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal and some toast. He pauses as he looks Jay up and down, frowning. “When did you go to sleep?”</p><p>His concerned tone catches the attention of Jungwon, who is putting together his own breakfast on the island. “There’s a giant crease along your cheek,” he says, gesturing to his own face. “Did a cushion eat you?”</p><p>Jay scoffs at him, too groggy to properly respond with snark, yawning. “I kinda passed out. Don’t know when.” He passes a mirror and tries to flatten a giant cowlick completely dominating one side of his head. </p><p>Thankfully, neither pry any further. Sunoo says, “You’d better start getting ready, then. Long day of shooting today, and the director told me that he needs all of us on the set this time.”</p><p>“Again?” Jay asks, a little exasperated. Falling asleep on the sofa hadn’t been very restful and he kind of just wants to fall into his bed for a couple hours to recover. </p><p>“That’s what we signed up for,” Jungwon calls after him, all sing-songy and far too chipper for early morning. </p><p>Jay walks into the room where the others are all in various stages of waking up to retrieve some clothes for a shower and almost screams when Sunghoon’s voice drifts to him from behind. “So, how’d it go?”</p><p>“Jesus, Sunghoon,” he says, spinning around with a pair of underwear balled up in his fist. “Don’t sneak up on me like that. It’s too early.”</p><p>Sunghoon, who is sitting at the edge of his bed still in his pajamas, raises an eyebrow. “I’ve been… sitting here this whole time?”</p><p>Jay feels himself flush. “Oh.” God, it’s <em> far </em>too early to start on this downhill slope of embarrassment.</p><p>Sunghoon chuckles a bit and stands, beginning to unbutton his shirt. “Anyway, did you watch anything?”</p><p>Jay turns away to hide his reddening face and rifles through his drawers for a shirt and some pants. Nothing that fancy; the stylists will be dressing them on set anyway. He lowers his voice so only Sunghoon can hear, although it’s obvious the others are too sleep-drunk to pay them any mind. “Yeah, that one about a lady who has to take over her dead father’s hotel in the mountains and then a guy she knew from high school—” Jay abruptly stops himself, realizing that giving out so many details might lead Sunghoon to believe he’s more interested in this junk than he actually is. He clears his throat and continues, “Three impossibly hot guys one girl has to choose from. Y’know, the typical crap.”</p><p>“Oh.” Jay thinks he detects a note of disappointment in Sunghoon’s voice, but it quickly disappears when he says, “I watched a different one, although it’s not quite as complicated. I think I’ve seen enough for us to do some practicing after the shoot, if you’re still up for it. I don’t know how much I’ll be able to help you, but—”</p><p>“Yeah, no, I feel more ready than I did before.” And it’s true. Jay <em> does </em> feel like he knows a little more about how to approach a girl now, and it doesn’t really matter that his point of reference is entirely fictional. Right now, he just needs to be <em> superficially </em>charming in order to please the fans; he can work up to the genuine aspect of it later. For now, baby steps. “Thanks for doing this,” Jay tells him. “I mean it. I’m very grateful.”</p><p>Sunghoon slips on a shirt and then a hoodie. “You don’t have to sound so serious about it. It’s not like I saved your life or anything. It’s just bro stuff.”</p><p>Jay smiles, feeling much, much better about this whole thing. “Yeah, you’re right. Bro stuff.”</p><p>They don’t get back until one in the morning, shivering from the November cold and eager to get off their sore feet. Jay and Heeseung have to practically carry Jake inside, who had fallen asleep on the ride home. As distracted as being out in the cold weather constantly taking direction on set made him, Jay couldn’t stop his mind from wandering to sex. And then to the others as he watched them during their own individual shoots. They are all so attractive and cool. Even now, as Jay studies the plump curves of Jake’s lips, the delicate shape of his eyes, he wonders if he himself will be the last one to get a girlfriend. He isn’t a visual masterpiece like Jungwon or Sunghoon, he isn’t as cute as Sunoo or Jake, he isn’t as charming as Heeseung, and he doesn’t have that shy, brooding aura that Niki has, one that, based on his experience with the drama he’d watched, girls seem to love. Out of all of them, he has the steepest hill to climb when it comes to charm. There was a reason, after all, why the others kept scoring so high in the polls on I-Land while he remained firmly in 6th place. And while he gained a bit of a following toward the end, he feels like he hasn’t been able to live up to what his fans expect from him. </p><p>“Hey.” </p><p>It’s Niki, standing beside him at the sink, also brushing his teeth. Staring at him like Jay had just told him that all this isn’t working out, that he wants to leave the group and give up his dream of becoming an idol. “Are you okay?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Jay tells him, trying not to let his worry weigh down his tone. “I’m fine. Why?”</p><p>Niki shrugs. “You just seem a little down.”</p><p><em> Sunghoon was right. I am obvious. </em>“Just a long day.”</p><p>Niki nods and finishes up, casting him a skeptical glance as he leaves, but he doesn’t say anything more. Maybe he’s too tired to. Thank god. Jay can’t imagine trying to explain something so embarrassing to him, especially considering how much younger he is. It’s all so childish and stupid and, fuck, he’s <em> so </em>ready to move past this. He needs to or he won’t get anything done.</p><p>That’s why, when he leaves the bathroom and spots Sunghoon coming back from the kitchen with a bottle of water, he flags him down before he can get to the dorm room. “Still up for that practice?”</p><p>Jay feels like a total asshole for even asking, because Sunghoon looks like he could fall asleep standing. But Sunghoon takes a sip of his water and says, like the amazingly good friend he is, “Okay. Where do you wanna do it?”</p><p>Jay suggests the far corner of the dance studio. Unlike a lot of the other rooms in the dorm, it didn’t connect directly to the kitchen or living area where the others are most likely to wander. No way does he want word of this slipping out to anyone else. Sunghoon only knows because he <em> has </em> to know in order to help him, and Jay plans on keeping it that way. </p><p>Sunghoon sits on one side of the room and Jay sits on the other. It feels like an interview; stuffy, formal, nothing at all like what he saw in the drama. “Um, maybe we should sit closer?”</p><p>Sunghoon nods and silently scoots to his side, their knees touching. All right. Okay. Close, intimate. Going well so far. Jay’s brain quickly becomes overwhelmed with ideas about how to start this, rendering him quiet for an awkwardly long amount of time. Then Sunghoon clears his throat and says, “Well, uh, since you’re the one so hung up about this, you can go first in the… <em> guy </em> position. I’ll be the girl.”</p><p>“I’m not hung up about this,” Jay insists, not sounding convincing in the slightest. He takes a deep breath. <em> Focus</em>. “Okay. We’re at a café and we’re on a first date. Kind of like a blind date, so I have to impress you.”</p><p>Sunghoon snorts. “A café? Are you sure you didn’t watch <em> all </em>the dramas I sent you?”</p><p>“Shut up,” Jay snaps as Sunghoon visibly tries to hold in a laugh. “A café. So… yeah, that’s the scenario.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>They stare at each other for a moment, as if waiting for the other to make some sort of move. Then Jay thinks, shit, right, <em> he’s </em> the one who’s supposed to be making a move. In his rush to do <em> something </em>, he reaches out and takes Sunghoon’s hand in his and opens his mouth to speak, only to have Sunghoon slap his hand away. “What the hell—” Jay begins, indignant.</p><p>“Isn’t it a bit early for handholding?” Sunghoon asks. “Like, we barely even know each other, right? You’re being too forward.”</p><p>Jay wants to snap at him again, tell him he <em> knows </em> what he’s doing, but that would be such a bald-faced lie he wouldn’t be able to maintain it. Instead, he groans and decides to start over. “Fine, I guess you’re right. Um…”</p><p>“Just talk to me like I’m a normal person,” Sunghoon suggests. “Small talk.”</p><p>Jay licks his lips. “Small talk, yeah. Okay.” Talking. He can talk. He does it all the time. Too much sometimes. This shouldn’t be a problem. He sits up straight and looks Sunghoon in the eyes, trying to soften his features so he doesn’t look as severe as he usually does. He doesn’t know if it works. He doesn’t even know if he’s capable of such a thing, but he tries. Then, he starts talking. “This is my favorite cafe because it’s right down the street from my school, so I can pop over easily and I get on well with all the staff. I hope you like it. I go to that arts high school around the block and focus on dance. I was born in America but moved here when I was 9. I’m 180 centimeters tall and, quite honestly, I thought I would be taller by now but maybe I’m just not done growing yet. My dad is 183 centimeters and he didn’t hit his growth spurt until he graduated. Then again, my mom <em> is </em>pretty short even among other women—”</p><p>Sunghoon raises a hand to stop him. “All right, so I know what your problem is.”</p><p>Jay stares at him hopefully. “What?”</p><p>“You won’t shut up.”</p><p>Jay sucks his teeth and shoves Sunghoon so hard he almost topples over. “Well, you won’t!” Sunghoon laughs, scooting back out of his reach. “This isn’t an interview, it’s a <em> conversation</em>, which means you have to give me a chance to speak.”</p><p>Jay groans again, more loudly this time. “I know.”</p><p>“So, ask me a question first instead of launching into a monologue.”</p><p>“Okay…” Jay trails off, searching his scattered brain. He recalls the drama and what the main character and one of her love interests spoke about when they went out to a restaurant together. “Um, okay. What’s your dream career?”</p><p>Looking satisfied, Sunghoon replies breezily, “Haven’t really figured that out yet, although my parents keep pressuring me to become a doctor. It runs in the family, but I’m just not all that interested. The sight of blood makes me nauseous. You?” </p><p>Jay raises his eyebrows. So, Sunghoon has really thought this out, huh? It shouldn’t surprise him, seeing as Sunghoon’s experience with skating competitions probably conditioned him to be over-prepared. It’s a little intimidating, but Jay is determined to match him. “I’m aiming for idol.”</p><p>Sunghoon scoffs and makes a face. “Idol? Isn’t that a bit lofty?”</p><p>Jay cracks a smile, running a hand through his hair and letting it fall into his face. “Are you saying I don’t have the looks for it?”</p><p>Sunghoon throws his head back and laughs. “Okay, that was actually kinda smooth.”</p><p>The banter between them continues, Jay growing more and more confident by the second. After all, this isn’t actually a girl, this is his friend Sunghoon. He’s comfortable with Sunghoon. It’s easy to talk to him. But this isn’t supposed to be easy. After about ten minutes of casual conversation, Jay realizes that he’s supposed to be <em> on a date </em> and he needs to bring some romance into this. He goes through all the intimate scenes from the few episodes of the drama he saw and works out a step-by-step plan in his mind. Then he goes in for the kill.</p><p>He takes Sunghoon’s hand again and this time Sunghoon doesn’t pull away, his eyebrows just rise into his fringe as if caught by surprise. “I like making you smile,” Jay tells him, stroking a thumb over Sunghoon’s knuckles. It <em> should </em> feel weird saying this kind of thing to Sunghoon, to a <em> guy</em>, but Jay is so focused on overcoming his insecurities that he doesn’t care. “The way it lights up your face is so beautiful. Your eyes just glow.” Jay leans in and Sunghoon’s eyebrows climb even higher. “It’s been a while since I’ve gotten along with anyone this well and I’d like to see you again, if possible.”</p><p>“Um, well,” Sunghoon almost stammers and Jay could almost laugh at the sight of a flush creeping up Sunghoon’s throat. “Thanks. Now that I’ve gotten to know you, you seem like a great guy. Maybe we can schedule another date.”</p><p>Jay nods, feels like jumping to his feet and shouting out his triumph, but he keeps his cool. “Text me?”</p><p>“I can do that.”</p><p>“I’m already looking forward to it, beautiful,” Jay says and he lifts the back of Sunghoon’s hand to his lips, not breaking eye contact even for a moment. Sunghoon’s throat bobs in a swallow. </p><p>Once Jay has released his hand and scooted back, Sunghoon says, his mouth a bit agape, “Whoa, that was…”</p><p>Jay cocks an eyebrow. “Amazing? Unforgettable?”</p><p>Sunghoon laughs. “Cheesy. <em> Undeniably </em> cheesy. But cheesy is what girls like. You definitely pulled out all the stops. I mean, <em> kissing my hand </em>?” He does a chef’s kiss. “Perfect. Except maybe the whole ‘beautiful’ thing at the end was a little too much. I don’t think you wanna lay it on too thick during a first date.”</p><p>Jay shrugs. “Fair enough. Your turn?”</p><p>“Uh…” Sunghoon trails off and it becomes increasingly obvious that he hadn’t expected to switch roles, at least not tonight. He chews on his lower lip for a few seconds before nodding slowly. “All right. Same scenario?”</p><p>“Sure,” Jay says, his muscles finally relaxing now that he’s on the receiving end. “That would be easiest.”</p><p>Sunghoon turns his head, stares at the wall for a second, and Jay sits quietly waiting for him to gather his thoughts. Then Sunghoon meets his eyes, takes a deep breath, and says, “Don’t laugh.”</p><p>Jay snorts indignantly. “You laughed at <em> me</em>!”</p><p>Sunghoon’s eyes grow round and pleading. “But you know how I am when it comes to cute stuff. Humor me.”</p><p>Jay rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. “Fine. Let’s hear it.” Sunghoon takes another breath, but he just sits there, not saying anything. Jay eventually loses patience and prompts, “Well?”</p><p>“Could you, like, not be so… yourself?” Sunghoon asks, looking sheepish. Jay’s mouth drops open, affronted, and Sunghoon quickly adds, “I mean, you look so judgemental and kinda intimidating and it’s not really helping me relax at all.”</p><p>Jay snaps his mouth back shut and tries to channel some… feminine energy. Sunghoon has agreed to help him and he should do his best to return the favor, so he tucks his legs under him, flips his hair like he’s seen girls do, pushes a few strands coyly back behind his ear, and folds his hands in his lap. Still, he can’t help but indulge in a <em> little </em> snark. “So, Sunghoon <em> oppa </em>,” he says, lilting his voice up to a near-intolerable pitch, “this is a really nice cafe. I must say, I didn’t expect you to be so handsome.” And he giggles so girlishly, holding a hand to his mouth, that he and Sunghoon both slip up and start laughing, leaning all over each other and not stopping until there are tears in their eyes. </p><p>“Okay, okay, really,” Sunghoon gasps, wiping away the wetness on his cheeks. “Seriously, we need to—” But then he’s interrupted by another little laugh that practically bursts out of him. “I can’t believe you just did that. I didn’t even know your voice was capable of getting <em> that </em> high. It’s almost like you wouldn’t suck at singing at such a pitch if you actually practiced.”</p><p>Jay tries to shove Sunghoon again, trying to suppress a smile of his own, but the younger boy dodges him. “Do you want me to help you or not? So ungrateful. Here I am lending my talents and you have the audacity to complain.”</p><p>“Fine, okay,” Sunghoon promises, sitting up straight and composing himself once more. “Just don’t call me ‘oppa’ or I’ll lose my shit again. God, just the sound of that coming out of your mouth…” He gives an exaggerated shudder.</p><p>“Just get on with it,” Jay tells him and wants to throw another ‘oppa’ in there at the end, but he doesn’t because he’s such a good friend. </p><p>“It takes work to look this handsome,” Sunghoon begins and Jay wants so much to laugh. He bites his tongue to keep quiet. “But you make looking beautiful effortless.”</p><p><em> Whoa, he’s good, </em> Jay muses, impressed. <em> But it sounds too rehearsed. </em> If he <em> really </em> wants to help his friend, he needs to make this at least somewhat challenging. What if—oooh, Jay likes this idea—what if he turns up the heat on his end? A smirk curling his lip, Jay drops his modest façade and cups one of his elbows, leaning his head on his hand. His eyes slide ever so slowly up and down Sunghoon’s body and he can see the younger boy growing tense. <em> Keep it together, Sunghoon. </em>“Hm, you think so?” Jay’s fingers play with the hair that curls around his ear, channeling the flirtatious attitude of the woman from the drama he’d watched. “I don’t know. If you showed me more maybe I could… convince you how naturally handsome you are?” Then Jay just went for it, dove in head first—he lifted his other hand and set it firmly on Sunghoon’s knee. </p><p>For a second he was sure Sunghoon was going to go flying backward straight to the other side of the room, but, to his surprise, Sunghoon’s eyes only widen briefly, dart down to study Jay’s hand and then back up again. He’s quiet for a moment, but only a moment, as he scoops Jay’s hand from his knee and gently lifts it, covering it with his own. “I’d much rather savor this slowly,” he drawls far too smoothly, leaning forward so that his face fills every corner of Jay’s vision. </p><p>“Jay?” Sunghoon’s voice sounds far away and it’s an effort for Jay to claw his way toward it until he’s brought back down to earth. “I didn’t overdo it, did I?” Sunghoon asks him and Jay realizes that Sunghoon has pulled his own hand back. <em> Why does my hand feel so cold? </em>Jay wonders, worrying that shooting outside earlier that day had made him ill. </p><p>“No, you did…” Jay struggles to find his words, his head fuzzy with what must be fatigue, “you did great.”</p><p>Sunghoon gives a sigh of relief and chuckles, scratching at the back of his head. “Phew, wow. You really threw me a curveball there. Thought I was gonna jump out of my skin.”</p><p>“You recovered well,” Jay compliments, a yawn overtaking him. “What time is it anyway?” He pushes up his sleeve to get a look at his watch and his eyes nearly bug out of his head. “Holy shit, the sun’s about to come up.”</p><p>“<em>Shit</em>.” Sunghoon shoots up so fast he almost trips over his own feet. “Damn, we’re gonna be so screwed.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm a Jay fan and have been since the beginning of I-Land. I'm so happy he made it so I could write about him and I'm kinda excited to start this. The last time I looked, there weren't any Explicit-rated ENHYPEN fics on here, so I just thought, hey, why not pop that cherry? (yes, that's a bad pun, I know). I also want to give a shout out to my fiance and fellow Engene <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keiku/pseuds/Keiku">Keiku</a> for inspiration and helping me edit (he's a Jake fan). &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A little bonus chapter for my fellow Engenes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They were so screwed. Three hours of sleep turned out to be barely enough to get them through their morning warm-up practice with the rest of the group, even with copious amounts of caffeine. Although Jay was on his third coffee, he still felt like shit and he thought it best to excuse himself to his room with the claim that he was feeling sick so that he didn’t distract the others. As he collapsed onto his bed still clad in his workout clothes, he took solace in the fact that at least today was just another training day and not a photoshoot or interview or a check-in with the producers.</p><p>He’s lying facedown on the mattress with his face buried in his pillow when he hears the door open and shut, then footsteps. The end of the bed sinks. Jay rolls over to see Sunghoon smiling tiredly down at him. His hair is still a bit mussed from sleep, a few sweaty strands clinging to his forehead after morning dance practice. Jay feels like frowning at him. <em> How is he so good-looking without even trying? So annoying… </em></p><p>“I’d have figured after being called out about not showering after workouts before getting into bed that you would make it part of your routine,” Sunghoon quips.</p><p>“Shut up,” Jay grumbles, jabbing a knee into Sunghoon’s stomach. “I’m tired because of our damn practice session last night. Leave me alone.”</p><p>Sunghoon scoots out of reach, rubbing where Jay had kneed him. “Hey, <em> you’re </em> the one who insisted on doing it last night. You can’t blame this on me.”</p><p>“Then why are <em> you </em>not tired?” Jay asks, voice edged with irritation.</p><p>“I <em> am </em>tired,” Sunghoon tells him even though his smile holds no hint of it. “I’m barely holding it together. I came back here because I can’t take it anymore and I would feel bad if I was the first one to call it quits for the day.”</p><p>Jay props himself up on his elbows and glares. “So you were just waiting for me to provide you with an excuse? What kind of shitty friend are you?”</p><p>“The kind who’s willing to nap with your sweaty-ass self. Now move over.”</p><p>Jay huffs, falling back onto the bed and wiggling to one side so Sunghoon can join him. “Just don’t move around too much. You’ll keep me awake.”</p><p>“As long as <em> you </em>don’t sleep with your eyes open. It’s pretty damn creepy.”</p><p>“Shut <em> up</em>.”</p><p>They lie there side-by-side in silence for a full minute and Jay almost drifts off. </p><p>Until Sunghoon says, “So, when should we have our next session?”</p><p>Jay keeps his eyes closed. He should have known he wouldn’t be able to get any rest with Sunghoon here. “Why bother?”</p><p>The confusion in Sunghoon’s voice irks him. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“I mean that you obviously have experience and you <em> lied </em>to me.”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>Jay groans and pushes himself up on his elbows to glare at him again. “Don’t act dumb. I can see right through it.” He points an accusatory finger. “You let yourself slip last night; you’re far too smooth to be inexperienced. You just said that to make me feel better.”</p><p>Sunghoon’s furrowed brows disappear and he laughs—actually <em> laughs</em>—at him. “I appreciate the compliment and all, but I swear I told you the truth: I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve never even spoken to a girl long enough to know what I’m doing.” Then his lips curl into a smirk. “Maybe you just really suck at this.”</p><p><em> Now </em>Jay is fully awake. “No way! That was just a fluke. And I was tired. I wasn’t at my best then anyway. I could charm circles around you anytime!” Jay scoffs and lays back down, turning his back to him. “And I still don’t believe you, you liar.”</p><p>“Aw,” Sunghoon croons, rolling over to spoon him. “Don’t pout.”</p><p>“I’m <em> not </em>pouting,” Jay insists, definitely pouting. He shrugs Sunghoon’s hand off his shoulder. “Now let me sleep.”</p><p>Sunghoon goes quiet again, then: “Tonight at midnight, after everyone goes asleep.”</p><p>Now it’s Jay’s turn to laugh. “You’re fucking <em> on</em>.”</p><p>He can already taste the victory. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Jay will never admit it, but he binges that entire damn drama when he next wakes up, which turns out to be around dinnertime. Sunghoon is no longer beside him, already up eating with the others when Jay staggers into the kitchen, still blinking the sleep from his eyes. </p><p>“What the hell? Why did you guys let me sleep so long?”</p><p>“Sunghoon said he tried to wake you up, but you just kept sleeping,” Jake says in between slurps of noodles. Soft chuckles reverberate around the room as the other members listen in. Jay’s eyes meet Sunghoon’s and he knows. That little smirk is back and he <em> knows </em> Sunghoon never really tried to wake him up—he just told everyone he had so Jay would continue sleeping right on through till their next practice session with no time to prepare whatsoever. </p><p>
  <em> That sneaky bastard.  </em>
</p><p>But Jay doesn’t call him out on it. No, that would just be playing right into his hands. Instead, he showers and retreats to his room where he proceeds to continue his research until he blasts through the remaining eight episodes, no distractions, replaying the most important scenes over and over until he burns them into his mind. He won’t let Sunghoon get the better of him this time. He won’t give him anything else to gloat over, especially not after he deliberately tried to trip him up. <em> It’s only because he’s intimidated by me, </em> Jay thinks. Sunghoon, with his handsome features and charm he insists on denying he possesses, is actually <em> scared </em> of being bested by Jay. So scared that the only way he thinks he will win this time is if he sabotages Jay. <em> He doesn’t know just how wrong he is.  </em></p><p>Jay hasn’t seen any sign of Sunghoon since he walked out to the kitchen earlier, but by the time midnight rolls around and everyone else has found their ways to their beds, he shoots up from his own bed, making sure not to wake the others. He’s bursting with energy, feels like he can go out and run fifty laps around the dorm. For the past hour his eyes have been darting to his watch every few minutes, carefully taking note as the hands moved closer and closer to the designated hour. He practically jogs out into the kitchen, rounds a corner into the living room, and heads to the practice studio where they went last time. When he sees Sunghoon already sitting there with his hands folded one over the other in his lap, waiting patiently, he barks a laugh. </p><p>“You ready?” Sunghoon has the gall to ask.</p><p>“Oh, I’m fucking ready,” Jay tells him, sliding to the floor beside him. “Whether you want me to be or not.”</p><p>Sunghoon’s eyebrows rise. “You sound confident.”</p><p>“You scared?”</p><p>“Never.”</p><p>Sunghoon swivels to face him and squares his shoulders. Jay lets him talk; after all, it would only be gentlemanly to let the one at a disadvantage go first. See? He’s already learned so much from that drama. He’s got this in the bag, no problem. </p><p>Jay finds he has to keep telling himself this, however, once Sunghoon really starts in. It’s like a switch is flipped and just like that, Sunghoon is all easy smiles and deep, husky tones. Damn him. It truly is unfair how easy it is for him. <em> Liar, </em> he thinks. <em> God, he’s such a fucking liar, telling me he has no experience. Does he think I’m stupid? </em></p><p>Sunghoon comes out swinging. He leans in close, his mouth a ribbon of warmth as the edges twitch up to reveal a flash of perfect white teeth. “I couldn’t wait to see you again. I’ve been thinking about you.”</p><p>Jay swallows, but he won’t go down that easily. “Is that so? And how have you been thinking about me?”</p><p>He almost laughs when Sunghoon’s eyes widen just a little. <em> No softball questions here. </em>If Sunghoon is going to play rough, so is he. Jay patiently awaits Sunghoon’s answer, throwing in some coquettish hair twirling and eyelash batting. For effect. And then—holy shit, it feels way different when you’re the one on the receiving end of the hand-on-knee move. Jay clears his throat to keep from freaking out, a prick of annoyance jabbing him when he sees Sunghoon struggling to hold in a laugh at his reaction. “Oh, so that’s how, huh?” he manages, looking Sunghoon straight in the eye. As far as he’s concerned, Sunghoon has no good answer to his question and is hoping to distract him by touching him like this. Already Jay has the upper hand. </p><p>“Actually,” Sunghoon responds at last. He takes his hand from Jay’s knee and Jay hopes his sigh of relief isn’t audible. But just as soon as its warmth leaves his leg, it reappears on his cheek. “This is more how I imagined it.” His cheek. Sunghoon’s hand is <em> on his cheek</em>, his thumb stroking gently over the skin there, and has Sunghoon leaned in closer? Because he’s <em> really </em>close and his lips look very pink from here and the room has suddenly gotten so loud, but then Jay realizes it’s just the pounding of blood in his own ears…</p><p>“Whoa, hey.” Suddenly, the hand on his face is gone and Sunghoon is staring at him like he’s just sprouted two heads. “Are you okay? You look sick.”</p><p>“No, I’m fine.” The words fall from Jay’s mouth in a breathy rush, his chest feeling far too small for his lungs. <em> What the hell is wrong with me?  </em></p><p>“Jay.” Sunghoon reaches out a hand again and to feel that warmth against his skin would just be too much right now. So Jay scrambles away and up onto legs that don’t quite want to carry him as much as they should. </p><p>“I said I’m fine,” Jay tells him, forcing his voice to harden. He braces a hand against the nearest wall to steady himself and his head is already much, much clearer now that he’s standing, away from Sunghoon. “Just gimme a minute. Lack of sleep again.”</p><p>Sunghoon frowns up at him, worry softening his features. “But you practically just woke up.”</p><p><em> Come on, Jay. Pull yourself together. He just threw you off your game for a second, but you’ll recover. </em> Jay wants to laugh and tell Sunghoon that he’s worrying for no reason—then again, maybe that’s all part of Sunghoon’s plan, part of his <em> charm </em>—but he finds himself turning away and opening the door. When he steps out into the hall, he hears Sunghoon hurry to his feet behind him, quick footsteps following. “I-I need to take a shower.”</p><p>“Didn’t you just take one?” Sunghoon asks and Jay’s irritation grows at how insistent he’s being. Why is he acting like there’s something seriously wrong? Jay’s muscles just feel strained and he needs to run them under some hot water to relax them. That’s all. </p><p>Sunghoon has followed Jay all the way to the bathroom before he rounds on him. “You gonna follow me into the shower too?” he snaps. Fuck, why does he feel so annoyed? <em> It’s because he won, </em> a part of him answers, a part of him he doesn’t want to hear. <em> He beat you and you just don’t want to admit it.  </em></p><p>Can’t Sunghoon just leave him to wallow alone in his shame?</p><p>The hurt that crosses Sunghoon’s face gives Jay a twinge of guilt, but he pushes it down. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Sunghoon asks again. “Should we quit for tonight?”</p><p>Jay wants to slap himself in the face at how easily he let Sunghoon get the better of him. “I’m not <em> quitting</em>, I’m taking a little break just for tonight.” Jay pulls his shirt over his head and tosses it on the tiled floor. All of his clothing feels scratchy, grating against his skin. And Sunghoon is still staring at him like he’s a child throwing a fit. “Okay?”</p><p>Sunghoon looks like he might continue protesting, but he only nods and says, “Okay. Just… come to bed afterward. No more passing out on a couch—it’s not good for you.” And then, <em> finally </em>, he leaves, and it’s like Jay can breathe again, free from the weight of Sunghoon’s gaze. </p><p>“What are you doing?” he asks himself as he starts the water, frustration creeping its way into every corner of his body. “What happened? You had him!” He gets the rest of the way undressed and slides under the water even as it’s still running cold, using his nails to scrub the humiliation off his skin. Jay can still feel Sunghoon’s warmth on his cheek, see his own reflection in Sunghoon’s eyes as the younger boy leaned toward him, ever closer. Jay couldn’t help it then and he can’t help it now: his mind flashes back to that goddamn drama, all those scenes where there was kissing, and how they always seemed to start with a hand on the cheek. Jay hadn’t given that much thought other than that maybe he’d do the same to Sunghoon just to throw him off. But, as it turned out, Sunghoon just so happened to make that move first. And it upset the entire balance of things Jay had carefully stacked in his brain over the course of hours. </p><p>As much as Jay doesn’t want to think it, his inexperience got the better of him today. The moment Sunghoon’s hand touched his cheek, his mind went completely blank. All he could think about were those drama scenes with the kissing and what if Sunghoon actually tried to <em> kiss </em> him? Jay scoffs as he soaps up his hair. Sunghoon wouldn’t have really done it; he was just trying to psych Jay out, that was all. And Jay let himself get so freaked out at the idea of <em> Sunghoon </em> being his first kiss that he was sent into a tailspin from which he couldn’t recover. </p><p>Jay emerges from the shower just as tense as he’d been when he’d gotten in, realizing with a frustrated growl, that he hadn’t brought a change of clothes. He opts for tying a towel around his waist and snatching up his dirty clothes, clutching them to his chest as he rushes to the dorm room. It feels weird to be walking around in just a towel, even though everyone else is in their beds. </p><p>He slips quietly into the room, hoping he’d taken long enough in the bathroom for Sunghoon to already be asleep. Neither Jake nor Sunghoon stir when Jay slips inside, dumping his clothes on the floor and fumbling with his drawers in complete darkness until he finds some underwear and tugs it on. He nearly misses his bed completely and almost falls face-first onto the floor, but he catches himself on the corner of the mattress. The moment his head hits the pillow, he’s more awake than perhaps he’s ever been. The digital clock on the side table reads only forty-five minutes past midnight. Taking his deliberately long shower into account, he hadn’t even lasted five minutes before Sunghoon got the best of him. Jay huffs, turning over and closing his eyes, only to open them back up again when he starts to get a headache from how intensely he keeps subconsciously furrowing his brows. Every five minutes, he flips over, and he only knows this because his eyes keep wandering to the clock. He kicks off his blankets, pulls them back on. Mashes his pillow into a better shape so much the stuffing inside starts to go flat. It takes everything in him not to scream his frustrations into the dark. Sunghoon beat him, even after all his careful preparation. Sunghoon, who, supposedly, is just as inexperienced as he is. And all because Jay panicked at the thought of being kissed by him. How could he let something so ridiculous trip him up?</p><p>Jay’s eyes are already open when Jake’s alarm goes off the next morning and as he gets up to shuffle across the room and switch it off, all he can think is, <em> Next time. </em> Who said the competition between them was over? Certainly not Jay. And if Sunghoon even <em> tries </em>to call it quits now, Jay won’t give him any peace until he agrees to another round. He’ll show Sunghoon he won’t give up so easily. Today will be his comeback. </p><p>“Come on,” he tells Jake, shaking his shoulder. “Wake up. Time to get to work.”</p><p>Jake groans in protest and pulls the blankets over his head. “Ugh, what time is it?”</p><p>“Time to get up. Come on.” Jay pushes at Jake’s legs with his foot and Jake groans again, louder this time. When it’s clear that Jake is waking up, albeit slowly, Jay moves onto Heeseung, anticipating that it would take several attempts to shake him into consciousness. “Hyung. Hyung, get up.”</p><p>Heeseung’s only response is a huff and a nonsensical mutter. He doesn’t even open his eyes. Jay decides that’s good enough for now and moves on. Sunghoon is the last one he gets to and Jay doesn’t want to admit that it’s because his pride still hurts from last night. He goes to shake Sunghoon just a <em> little </em>more violently than he had the others, but he finds himself smushed against Sunghoon’s chest when a pair of arms suddenly shoot out to grab him. </p><p>“Good morning, hyung!” Sunghoon sing-songs. </p><p>Jay twists in his grip, bracing his hands on the bed frame as he struggles to tear himself from Sunghoon’s arms. “What the hell, Sunghoon?” he grumbles, voice muffled by Sunghoon’s pajamas. Sunghoon holds him for a little longer before abruptly releasing him, which sends Jay flailing backward right into Jake, who has sat up in his bed. The latter lets out a “Whoa!” as Jay knocks him back onto the mattress, their limbs entangling, the blankets flying. Impressively, this stirs Heeseung awake to the point that he shoots upright in his bed to watch with bleary eyes.</p><p>Sunghoon laughs at Jay as he pushes himself to his feet. “You wanna go?” Jay threatens, climbing to the top bunk where Sunghoon sits, his grin undeniably shit-eating “Let’s go!” Jay gives a war cry and descends upon him, tickling mercilessly. Sunghoon wiggles beneath him, managing to free up his hands to deliver his own tickle onslaught. Jay is glad when Niki kicks at the mattress between the slats from the bunk below and they lose their grip on each other, not quite sure if his heart should be pounding this hard from a little play-fighting and <em> definitely </em>not wanting to dwell on it. </p><p>He’d only gotten a few hours of snatched, restless sleep, but his anticipation of their next practice session has him surging with adrenaline the entire day. He puts the maximum amount of effort into everything he does: his daily workout, dance practice, his fan update video, voice training with one of the producers. Even when they all get back to the dorm at dinnertime he’s still amped up, downing their fried chicken takeout like it’ll be the last meal he’ll ever eat. </p><p>“Everything all right?” Heeseung asks, frowning disapprovingly as Jay finishes his fourth helping of chicken.</p><p>Jay knows he must look like a pig right now, but he doesn’t care. <em> Almost time, </em>he thinks. “Yeah, I skipped lunch, so…” he trails off, hoping Heeseung can’t detect the lie. </p><p>Sunoo sighs, puffing out his cheeks in a pout. “I wish <em> I </em>could eat like that without blowing up like a blimp. Some guys have all the luck…”</p><p>“I don’t think I would envy <em> that </em> ,” Jungwon points out as Jay stuffs a whole drumette into his mouth and pulls out just the bone. Jay ignores his quip and the laughter of the others, especially Sunghoon, who is watching him as if <em> he </em>isn’t the cause of all this. Jay will need all his energy for tonight. No excuses this time, only his pure talent shining through. </p><p>Sunghoon seems to pick up on this, as he treads lightly around Jay the rest of the evening and goes out of his way to leave him alone, opting to spend the rest of his time before midnight watching a movie with the others on the sofa. Jay, on the other hand, retreats once again to his bunk to start yet another romance drama under the impression that he feels a bit ill, and this drama is significantly more passionate than the first. Like, at first he’s sure Sunghoon accidentally sent him some softcore porn, and his body—especially his lower half—seems <em> especially </em> sure. So sure, in fact, that he’s forced to do that super obvious pillow-over-the-crotch thing while he watches the drama on his phone. The excitement he’s felt all day has combined with the drama and translated into a particularly persistent boner that doesn’t go down until almost an hour before midnight. When there’s just ten minutes to go, he lifts the pillow to assess himself and finds he has to change his precum-soaked underwear. <em> Give me a fucking break, will you? </em>he begs the horny part of his mind as he tugs on some new sweats for good measure and tiptoes out to the living room.</p><p>He hadn’t seen any of the others come to bed and was afraid that they would still be up watching movies and he’d have to make some sort of convoluted excuse for him and Sunghoon to go off alone. When he rounds the corner from the kitchen and sees them all draped over each other on the sofa asleep, he does a little fist pump. All right, now all he has to do is wake Sunghoon up and sneak off to the dance studio without anyone else seeing them…</p><p>“Pssst!”</p><p>The hiss comes from his right down a poorly-lit hall and rapid footsteps followed by a firm hand over his mouth keeps Jay’s scream from escaping his throat. “Quiet! It’s me,” Sunghoon whispers into his ear and a peculiar shiver ripples down Jay’s spine. “Let’s go to the studio.”</p><p>And, once again, Jay finds himself in the studio sitting across from Sunghoon in the middle of the night after watching copious amounts of romantic K-dramas. God, what has his life become? Why is he so nervous?</p><p>“I-I’ll start,” he blurts, not wanting to wait and risk his anxiety getting the best of him. </p><p>Sunghoon looks more relieved than quizzical at his behavior and doesn’t fight him on the order in which they go. Jay fights the urge to let loose a calming breath, reaches into the back of his head for the thread he’d meticulously woven from watching all those hours of K-dramas, and pulls. To Jay’s surprise, the string comes loose without much effort at all. </p><p>He fights down a triumphant grin and starts, “It’s so good to see you again, darling. I was out in town earlier today on my way to our date and I saw this in a shop window and thought of you. Here,” Jay digs around in his pocket and struggles to pull out the gift for way longer than can be considered smooth, but he can’t bring himself to care, especially not when he hands it to Sunghoon and takes in his astonished expression. <em> Oh yeah, I prepared, </em>Jay wants to sneer. </p><p>Sunghoon cups the tiny box in his hands for a moment, blinking at it as if it’s some alien object he has no idea what to do with. Jay swallows a laugh and nods in encouragement. Sunghoon cautiously opens the box. </p><p>“Um…” Sunghoon trails off as he brings the box close to his face, squinting. “Are these… are these <em> my </em>earrings?”</p><p>Jay can’t help it; he snorts. “Yeah.”</p><p>“The ones I told you I lost a week ago and couldn’t find no matter how hard I looked?”</p><p>“Yup.”</p><p>Sunghoon gives him an exasperated look. “So did you steal these a week ago or did you just find them? <em> Or </em> did you find these a week ago and didn’t tell me so you could keep them to use for this?”</p><p>“That doesn’t matter,” Jay says, gesturing dismissively, face growing a bit pink. “These are props and this entire situation is purely hypothetical.”</p><p>Sunghoon narrows his eyes further at Jay, but doesn’t press. He sets the box down and pushes it behind him out of Jay’s reach. “They’re… lovely,” he says after clearing his throat. “Thank you.”</p><p>The tension builds between them for a long moment and then Jay continues, “I want to say that my time spent with you on these past few dates has been some of the happiest in my life. Every day that I wake up knowing we will meet again makes everything seem worthwhile. I don’t want that feeling to disappear any time soon. Would you agree,” Jay reaches out and takes Sunghoon’s hand gently in his. Doesn’t grab. No aggression, no desperation. A touch that relays</p><p> familiarity with the promise of something more—like in the most recent K-drama he watched. “To be my girlfriend?”</p><p>He expects Sunghoon to say yes, to be so incredibly overwhelmed by his talent that he won’t be able to react any other way. Jay bets Sunghoon hadn’t even thought to bring props. Hell, he might just be so intimidated he’ll give up without even trying. </p><p>“Hmm, I don’t know… let me think about it.”</p><p>It takes a long moment for Jay to process what Sunghoon just said, not even having anticipated such an answer. He ends up blinking at him and saying, “Huh?”</p><p>Sunghoon’s little smirk snaps Jay out of his bewildered haze, but before he can correct himself, Sunghoon sees an opening and pounces. “This gift is very thoughtful and all, but I don’t think I’m quite ready to commit yet.” Sunghoon gives a high-pitched giggle and flips his hair coyly, taking obvious joy in throwing Jay off his game. “Maybe I’m too young for commitment, you know? Besides, there <em> is </em>this other boy who’s shown interest in me…”</p><p>“<em>Another boy</em>!” Jay practically shouts before he can catch himself. He clears his throat and composes himself, adding more calmly, “You’ve been seeing another boy?”</p><p>Sunghoon titters again. “No, silly. Of course not. He’s just <em> interested </em>in me. He told me so last week.”</p><p>Jay just stares, unsure of how to work with this; the scenario Sunghoon has concocted is one Jay had never considered. He just <em> knows </em> this is revenge for the earrings. <em> Dammit, should have known that wouldn’t trip him up. </em> “I, uh.” Fuck, he’s floundering. No damn way he’s going to let this slip away from him, not when he managed to get the upper hand so early on and he even thought of <em> props</em>, for fuck’s sake. He can’t lose <em> again</em>. “Don’t—I mean, I really do care about you and am willing to invest the time and effort into a relationship with you if you’re willing to have me. We could have another date if that would help you decide. You can pick the location.”</p><p>“Aw, aren’t you sweet?” Sunghoon croons, twirling his hair. “Maybe another date would be in order, but I have exams next week so my availability is limited.” He puffs out his cheeks in a pout. “And I already have a date with that guy I told you about… oh, what to do?”</p><p>Jay sighs inwardly. There may be no saving this. He might just have to put all his efforts into sabotaging Sunghoon during his turn. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think this will work out between us.”</p><p>Sunghoon raises an eyebrow. “Why?”</p><p>“Because while I may care about you, it is clear you don’t care about me in the same way,” Jay answers, fighting his urge to go off on a rant. “Enjoy your date with your <em> other </em> guy. And keep the earrings.”</p><p>Sunghoon finally breaks character. “Keep the earrings, eh? Can I really? Not gonna steal them again?</p><p>“I didn’t <em> steal </em> them,” Jay insists, shrugging. “I borrowed them.”</p><p>“Borrowed?”</p><p>“You got them back, didn’t you?” Jay snaps, trying to suppress a smile. No, now is <em> not </em>the time to get all buddy-buddy. This is serious. “Now it’s your turn. Ready?”</p><p>Sunghoon nods, spine straightening. “Yes. Should I start?”</p><p>Jay huffs. Since he started the conversation during his own turn, it would only be fair to let Sunghoon do the same. “Go ahead.” It would give Jay the time to plan his sabotage anyway, so why not? </p><p>“It’s good to see you again,” Sunghoon says with a warm smile and that damn charming dimple. </p><p>Jay forces himself to smile back. “Likewise.”</p><p>He’s preparing to turn the tables on Sunghoon right out of the gate, but Sunghoon starts to speak before he can start, so Jay lets him. Best not to interrupt the flow of conversation. “Sweetheart,” Sunghoon says, and his voice is so velvety that Jay’s attention is immediately consumed. He extends his hand to Jay and, without thinking, Jay offers his own hand, lets Sunghoon hold it. <em> Fuck, why did I do that? </em> He’d severely underestimated Sunghoon’s charisma. But he can’t take it back now, not when Sunghoon would <em> know </em>that Jay is clearly on the ropes already. So he bites his tongue and tries to return to his aforementioned planning, despite Sunghoon being so damn distracting, head ducked, eyes wandering, lips trembling—the height of vulnerability. “I have something to admit.”</p><p>While Jay knows Sunghoon is faking everything, his heart skips a beat anyway. “What is it?” he asks, sounding far too interested.</p><p>“It’s just…” Sunghoon trails off and his voice quavers ever so slightly. He looks delicate in a way Jay has never seen him and it <em> does </em> something to him, even though he knows it’s all just an act. <em> This guy is too good. </em>“I feel guilty that I’m taking up all your time without having fully committed to being with you.”</p><p>Jay frowns, not understanding the direction Sunghoon is going with this. “Huh?” is all he manages, the gears turning desperately in his head as he tries to guess Sunghoon’s next play.</p><p>Sunghoon lets out a breath, then inhales deeply, squeezing Jay’s hand while his other one fusses in his lap. The other boy takes his too-pink lower lip between his teeth. “What I mean to say is—I want to make an honest woman out of you.”</p><p>Jay starts to snort in amusement, but catches himself at the last minute. God, that’s right: he’d forgotten he’s pretending to be a girl. This is all so weird. “Oh, that’s very sweet of you,” he says, quickly schooling his face. <em> Now where the hell is he going with this? </em></p><p>“I-I don’t want you to think I’m just stringing you along on all these dates.”</p><p>Jay raises his eyebrows. <em> Nice stutter. He’s really going all out, huh? </em>Still unsure of Sunghoon’s strategy, Jay decides to buy himself some more time by encouraging Sunghoon to speak more. “I don’t feel that way at all. Why would you think that?”</p><p>The grip Sunghoon has around his hand gets a bit tighter, and Jay finds his heart jumping into his throat. “Because I can’t give my all to you like this, and it hurts. It hurts me to not be able to take care of you the way things are now between us, because you deserve to be loved and cherished with my whole heart.” While still keeping a firm hold of Jay’s hand, Sunghoon presses his other to his own chest and fixes him with a desperate gaze—scared, pleading, and yet almost sensual in what it promises. “I want to give that to you, if you’ll let me. Please, be mine.”</p><p><em> Holy shit. </em> Jay’s mouth drops open for a second and he has the urge to rip his hand from Sunghoon, afraid that if the boy holds it too much longer he’ll pull Jay so deep he won’t be able to escape. Sunghoon doesn’t let up and laugh like Jay expects him to. He doesn’t call off the round, just keeps staring at him, waiting for an answer, and Jay doesn’t exactly know what he’s supposed to say. Why is Sunghoon insisting on continuing this when it’s already obvious that he’s won? There’s a sudden itch at Jay’s temple and he realizes that it’s sweat. Sunghoon is <em> making him sweat</em>. The longer Jay goes without responding, the longer Sunghoon continues staring, the more he sweats, the harder his heart pounds, and he’s sure, <em> sure </em> , that Sunghoon can see it in his face, how frantic he is, feel it in the clamminess of his palm against his. <em> I can’t lose like this </em> again<em>! </em> The humiliation, the <em> shame</em>, it would be agony, it would be unbearable. </p><p>Sunghoon would never ever let him live it down. </p><p>There has to be a way to rectify this. He won’t run away this time, not after all the time and effort he’s put into his planning and studying. Long nights watching those stupid K-dramas that turned out to be useless in the end because Sunghoon is just too damn talented at this somehow. Jay’s fingers itch to do something, anything, but he doesn’t know what. Then he sees Sunghoon finally open his mouth as if to call everything off and he knows his time has run out. </p><p>The beginnings of a smirk tug at Sunghoon’s lips. “Well, Jay I—”</p><p>He doesn’t know how it happened, can’t even remember moving at all, but the next thing Jay knows Sunghoon’s face is so close it’s out of focus and his free hand has curled around Sunghoon’s neck. The most concerning thing of all, however, is a silky softness against Jay’s lips. It’s Sunghoon, and it’s a kiss. They’re kissing. </p><p>Before Jay can even gather himself to pull away, the door to the studio is thrown open wide out of the corner of his eye. It’s enough to have Jay and Sunghoon scrambling away from each other all the way to opposite sides of the room. Then Jay sees a figure standing in the doorway, his hand on the handle of the door and looking like he just stumbled upon a bloody murder scene.</p><p>Jake. </p><p>There is a moment when all the air seems sucked out of the room and Jay can’t fill his lungs enough to say anything. Sunghoon doesn’t—or maybe he can’t—speak either, and Jay isn’t sure whether he <em> wants </em> Sunghoon to break the silence or maintain it for the sake of putting off the inevitable. But maybe he shouldn’t jump into a panic quite so fast. Had Jake even seen anything before he and Sunghoon had separated? And if Jake indeed saw, is he even sure what he saw had been a kiss?</p><p>But the blush creeping up Jake’s neck is enough to tell Jay that, yes, he had seen and, yes, he’d interpreted what he’d seen as a kiss. As he watches, Jake snaps his gaping mouth closed only to open it again slightly to mutter a quick, “Um, sorry,” and then pulls the door shut way too loudly, the frantic patter of his bare feet disappearing up the hall. </p><p>The only sound in the room for another long minute is Jay’s own heart threatening to burst from his chest and the rattle of the heater in the corner. Then Sunghoon looks at him, a blush still lingering high on his cheeks, and asks, “What the hell was that?”</p><p>Jay swallows, his throat so dry he’s forced to cough. “Um, I-I think he saw us.”</p><p>Sunghoon lets out an exasperated scoff. “I <em> know </em> he saw us!” he says, voice echoing off the mirrored walls. “I’m talking about the—you know, whatever <em> you </em>just did!”</p><p>“I—what else was I supposed to do?” Jay flashes back, annoyed that all the blame is being pinned on him. “You were winning!”</p><p>“So you decided <em> kissing </em>me would help?”</p><p>“I didn’t mean to kiss you!” Jay tells him and it finally starts to sink in. Oh god, he’d kissed Sunghoon. His first kiss had been with <em> Sunghoon. </em>“It just happened, okay? My body reacted before I could do anything and I just wanted to throw you off your game and, really, you started it with your hand on my face the other night and I was watching all those K-dramas you sent me. What else did you expect?”</p><p>Sunghoon frowns indignantly at him. “What the hell kind of explanation is that?”</p><p>Jay sighs, running a hand over his rapidly reddening face. “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that and I didn’t intend to. I mean it.” He meets Sunghoon’s gaze and tries to tap into some maturity. Sunghoon is right, after all: in the end, it was Jay who had kissed him, even if it had been a knee-jerk reaction. “Let’s just… try and forget about this and maybe…”</p><p>“Stop this whole practicing thing?” Sunghoon suggests.</p><p>Jay nods, shoulders slumping in defeat. “Yeah.”</p><p>“And Jake?”</p><p>Jay stiffens. Oh shit, that’s right. Jake. “I don’t think he’ll tell anyone else about this, because that’s just how he is.” He allows himself a small laugh. “We’re lucky he’s so considerate. But still, we should probably talk to him about what he saw or else he’ll torture himself over it.”</p><p>Sunghoon nods slowly, licking his lips, and Jay pushes the thought that he’d just kissed those lips as far into the back of his mind as he can. “How are we gonna do that? And when? Should we do it together?”</p><p>“As soon as we can get him alone,” Jay answers, keeping his voice at a soothing level. “Together. We’ll just tell him the truth. I’m sure he’ll understand.”</p><p>“<em>Ahhh</em>,” Sunghoon groans and furiously ruffles his hair. “It’s gonna be so <em> embarrassing</em>!”</p><p>As much as Jay wants to comfort him by saying it won’t be <em> that </em> embarrassing, he can’t bring himself to tell such an obvious lie. It <em> will </em> be embarrassing. Probably one of, if not the most, embarrassing things he’s had to deal with since he qualified for I-Land. <em> BTS were right, </em> he thinks gloomily. <em> Once the humiliation starts, it never stops. </em> The reality of it is still difficult for him to accept, and he’s been getting better. But this whole thing with Sunghoon and now <em> Jake</em>—it might just break him. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I have another update of All Mine coming soon. I only have a couple more pages to go before it will be ready to post. See you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Surprise! A New Year's Day gift for my readers. Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> You can do this. You can do this. This is nothing. You can fix this. </em>
</p><p>Jay repeats this mantra to himself as he showers and dresses, practicing his poker face in the mirror above the sink while he brushes his teeth. He’d woken up at five in the morning—well, ‘woken up’ wouldn’t be exactly right, seeing as he’d drifted in and out of sleep all night—to prepare himself to face the others. Mainly Sunghoon and Jake, but also the others, because if anyone besides Sunghoon and Jake thinks he’s acting weird and asks him what’s up, he has to be ready to give them a convincing explanation. He’d rather avoid that, though. He’d rather try his best to look like he<em> hadn’t </em> kissed one of his best friends and that one of his <em> other </em> best friends <em> hadn’t </em>seen the whole thing. </p><p>And then it hits him again for what might be the hundredth time: he’d kissed Sunghoon. <em> Kissed </em> him. Right on the mouth. His <em> first </em>kiss, no less, although maybe that doesn’t count because it was done out of a need to win a competition. Not for love or because he’s attracted to Sunghoon or anything like that. Still, he will never forget how Sunghoon’s lips felt against his own. God, how is he supposed to even look Sunghoon in the eye at all after doing something so intimate with him? </p><p>Maybe… maybe he just need not think of it as having been intimate. After all, the <em> context </em> hadn’t been. It was an honest slip-up, just one of the many awkward moments all friends have at one point or another. They can move past this, look back and laugh at it. Yeah. There’s no need to make such a big deal out of this. He’ll be fine. They’ll be fine. </p><p>As for actually having a conversation with Jake about what he saw… well, he hadn’t quite figured out how to broach that yet. It would probably be best if he went over the plan of action in conjunction with Sunghoon, but that would mean mustering the courage to talk to him in the first place.</p><p>He must have been in the bathroom for a while and lost track of time, because a knock on the door makes him jump. “Jay hyung, hurry up,” Sunoo whines groggily from the other side. “I have exams today and I can’t be late.” </p><p>“I’m coming out now,” Jay croaks, startled at how defeated he already sounds. He casts one last look at himself in the mirror and squares his shoulders, opening the door with a bundle of pajamas in his hands. Sunoo’s sleep-puffy face greets him, eyes scrunching up at the light. “You okay?” the younger boy asks. </p><p>“Yeah, why?” Jay asks far too snappily. Had his face given him away? Did he need more time to practice his neutral expressions?</p><p>Sunoo narrows his eyes at him, picking up on the anxiety behind his clipped tone. “You just took really long in the bathroom, that’s all.” </p><p>Jay doesn’t reply, instead opting to push past Sunoo and start up the hallway toward the kitchen. Before he rounds the corner, however, he hears Sunoo’s voice call to him and he’s forced to stop and turn around. “Yeah?”</p><p>“You would tell me if something was wrong,” Sunoo asks, hand on the door, studying him with concern, “<em>if </em>anything was wrong, wouldn’t you?”</p><p>Jay swallows and is grateful for the darkness of the hallway shrouding his face. “Yeah, of course.”</p><p>Sunoo continues to stare at him for a few more long seconds, as if trying to determine the truthfulness of his words, then he finally relents and disappears into the bathroom. </p><p>Jay sighs in relief and goes about his daily morning routine, only now realizing, since he’s not on autopilot like he usually would be, just how convoluted his routine is. Go to fridge, chug cola straight from the bottle, shuffle out to couch, sprawl with his phone for a few minutes, get back up, linger at fridge to eat something insubstantial, take another gulp of cola. Like, what the fuck? How long has he been doing this without fully realizing how weird it looks? And how many times has this been caught on camera?</p><p>God, the <em> shame</em>.</p><p>Jay kicks himself when he’s startled by Jungwon’s greeting as he too enters the kitchen, but, thankfully, the younger boy just laughs and moves on. Jay, meanwhile, struggles internally with how to address Sunghoon and Jake once they finally wake up. Unfortunately for him, Sunghoon is somewhat of an early riser so he doesn’t have much more time to prepare. He thinks about going into the bathroom again to check himself out in the mirror—god, he feels sweaty, does he <em> look </em> sweaty?—but he decides better of it since Sunoo is still lingering around the kitchen after he got out of the shower and the others still need their turns in the bathroom anyway. <em> Who the hell thought it was smart to have seven guys all share one bathroom? </em>he wonders, irritation causing him to attack his breakfast with enough zeal to attract Jungwon’s attention. The younger boy had taken up a chair across the table from him, working his way through some toast and a steamed egg. “Hungry?” he asks, lips quirking up in amusement.</p><p>Jay doesn’t answer, not trusting himself, just nods and continues to eat until he finishes. As his groupmates gradually join him, Jay manages a few laughs and a couple smiles but not much else. When he hears Sunghoon’s voice drift to him from down the hallway, he shoots to his feet. </p><p>Heeseung, who had miraculously avoided getting up last, frowns at him. “You seem… energetic this morning,” he says, eyeing him suspiciously.</p><p>Jay doesn’t really know what to say to that, so he just motions to the bowl in his hand and exclaims, “Dishes! Um, I’ll take your dishes. Are you done?”</p><p>“Yeah, I think—” Heeseung begins, but Jay has already plucked the bowl from his hands and is dutifully accepting the dishes being passed to him by the other members. Jay tries to ignore the feeling of Heeseung’s eyes on him. “Uh, thanks,” Heeseung mutters, apparently still too tired to press further as he proceeds to play with his phone.</p><p>Jungwon, however, isn’t as merciful. “Why’re you so eager to wash dishes all of a sudden? I thought you hated washing dishes.”</p><p>Jay is <em> so </em>glad his back is to them as he turns on the water at the sink. “Is that a complaint?”</p><p>“You’re avoiding the question.”</p><p>Jay huffs in exasperation, taking a moment to arrange his face into his typical blank stare before turning to face him, sponge in hand. “I’m doing you guys a favor, but if you’re gonna annoy me then I’ll scrub <em> you </em>down instead.” He squeezes the sponge for emphasis, soap running down his wrist. </p><p>Jungwon, whose eyes had been rounded with concern, breaks into a smile. “Ah, no thanks. Already had a shower.”</p><p>Next to him, Sunoo sticks his tongue out at Jay. “Grumpy,” he accuses. </p><p>Jay glances at his watch and tells him, “You’re gonna be late.”</p><p>Sunoo looks at his phone to confirm and jumps up so fast he almost knocks Jungwon out of his seat, giving a little shriek. “Seeyoulaterbye!” he throws over his shoulder as he scoops up his bag, slides on his shoes, and rushes out the door. </p><p>Jungwon laughs and Jay allows himself a chuckle. Why is he getting so worked up anyway? He won I-Land, he’s set to debut, he has access to the best teachers and equipment ever, he couldn’t ask for better groupmates. Life is good. A kiss, a small, two-second accidental kiss, is nothing compared to that. In a few months, it’ll just be a blip on his radar, almost like it hadn’t even ha—</p><p>“Whoa, why was he in such a rush?”</p><p>Sunghoon’s voice. Sunghoon is here. All the breath leaves Jay’s lungs and he hovers there for a moment over the sink, water running, sponge in hand, completely still. He doesn’t know what to expect, but he has this image in his head of Sunghoon accusing him angrily right there in the kitchen front of everybody. That, somehow, he would let slip that Jay had kissed him and then everything would collapse and just—it would be a disaster. But when he hears a chair being pulled out behind him and Sunghoon continuing a conversation with Heeseung, Jay shrugs off the possibility. Sunghoon would never do that. He’s way too nice. <em> But is he angry at me? </em>Jay wonders, afraid to look over and risk having Sunghoon look right back at him. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Sunghoon angry—like, genuinely, undeniably pissed off—so he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to tell. If what Sunghoon told him is correct and he isn’t lying just for the sake of preserving Jay’s pride, that kiss would have been Sunghoon’s first too. Is he mad at Jay for stealing that from him? What will happen to their friendship if he is?</p><p>Jay lingers at the sink for way longer than necessary, taking his sweet time polishing every dish while the others talk. At one point, Niki emerges and forgoes breakfast to challenge Jungwon to a video game match in the living room. Heeseung goes off to watch them. And Jake… well, Jay has no idea where Jake is. Maybe still sleeping or in the bathroom. Either way, he’s not going to go looking for him. That leaves the kitchen empty except for him and Sunghoon, and as the silence stretches on it gets more and more unbearable. At last, Jay sighs and puts the last dish on the drying rack, turning to face Sunghoon. The boy at the table quickly stops biting at his lips and raises his eyebrows at him. Jay sighs again. </p><p>“Studio?” he offers.</p><p>Sunghoon nods. “Studio.”</p><p>Everyone in the living room is so distracted that they don’t ask questions when Jay and Sunghoon walk past into the hallway. Jay leads the way, fingers curling and uncurling at his sides as he fights the urge to sprint to the studio. Sunghoon follows him quietly and when they finally do enter the room and close the door, they both look at each other for a long second and then start to speak at the same time. </p><p>“Wait, wait,” Jay interrupts, gesturing at Sunghoon. “You first.”</p><p>“Um,” Sunghoon wets his lips and damn if Jay can’t keep his eyes from wandering down to them. “So, I’ve had a little while to process things and I want you to know that it wasn’t a big deal. What you did. We’re debuting at the end of this month and the stress is immense, so I don’t see the uh, <em> kiss</em>, as something you or I should worry about.” He snorts and covers his mouth to conceal an obvious smile. “It was pretty damn funny, though. Your face afterward was hilarious.”</p><p>Jay scoffs and shoves him. “<em>Me</em>? I don’t think I’ve ever seen your eyes get so wide. I thought they were gonna pop out of your head.”</p><p>They both laugh and push each other around for a good minute and then Sunghoon puts a finger on his chin, eyes wandering in thought. “Hm, come to think of it, I think I felt your lips moving then.”</p><p>Jay stares at Sunghoon, unsure how to respond, his heart starting to pound wildly. No way. Had he actually <em> moved his lips </em> against’s Sunghoon’s? But then Sunghoon starts laughing again and Jay joins in, hoping the other boy hadn’t noticed his momentary panic. <em> Keep it cool, Jay.  </em></p><p>“So, Jake,” Jay says, wanting to steer the conversation away from the kiss. At least the kiss as it relates to just the two of them. </p><p>Sunghoon immediately stops laughing and frowns, nodding. “Jake.”</p><p>“So, I think we should do this as soon as possible,” Jay begins, pulling from the ideas he’d formulated when he was supposed to be sleeping last night. “It’s probably eating him up.”</p><p>“I tried to stay in bed until Jake decided to get up, but I eventually had to pee so…” Sunghoon shrugs. “I don’t think he’s asleep, though. Judging by his breathing, he woke up before me and he’s been awake since.”</p><p>“Damn, then it must really be bothering him.” Jay reevaluates his plan, factoring in the high probability that Jake got little to no sleep as well. “We’ll have to do it today then. This morning. Just get him alone—but not in a place where he feels cornered.”</p><p>“Here?”</p><p>“No, it’ll remind him of what he saw,” Jay says, shaking his head. “Probably make him panic.”</p><p>“The bedroom?” Sunghoon suggests, quickly adding, “With the door closed? I mean, it sounds like those three will be occupied for an hour at least.”</p><p>“We’d better do it soon, so I’ll be quick.” Jay hesitates. Would this really work? Well, there isn’t really time to work out something else, so… “We go into the bedroom, be sure not to crowd him, and tell him we want to talk. Then we tell him that we were, uh… playing chicken.”</p><p>Sunghoon’s brows furrow. “Chicken?”</p><p><em> God, this is so weird. </em> Regardless, Jay presses on. He’s got nothing else. “Like, gay chicken. You know?” <em> Please don’t make me explain it.  </em></p><p>Sunghoon’s confused frown remains for a few more seconds before his mouth drops open in understanding. “<em>Oh</em>.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Jay continues, clearing his throat and hoping his blush isn’t too obvious. “We tell him we were doing that and I slipped so our lips ended up touching for a few seconds. No big deal. We laugh about it.”</p><p>Sunghoon nods. “Yeah, sounds good. Oh! And tell him that we’d prefer if he kept it between us. Because… embarrassing.”</p><p>“I’m sure if we ask him to do that, he won’t tell a soul,” Jay says, and he’s starting to feel confident about this whole thing. He’s had all night to plan, Sunghoon is with him, Jake is one of the most sympathetic and understanding people he’s ever met. Yeah, this’ll work out well. Nothing to worry about at all. He claps his hands and says, “All right. Let’s get it.”</p><p>“Let’s get it!” Sunghoon echoes, pumping his fist in the air. </p><p>Once again, no one pays them any mind as they pass the living room. In fact, Niki, Jungwon, and Heeseung are all leaning toward the TV on the couch, the former two with controllers in hand. Completely absorbed. Perfect. There’s no sign of Jake among them, so Jay and Sunghoon head into the kitchen and down the hall, passing the empty bathroom. He must still be in the bedroom. Poor guy. </p><p>The door is still open and Jay can see a lumpy figure under the covers on one of the bottom bunks. Jake. Jay stands there on the threshold for a moment, gathering himself, then he shuffles his socked feet across the floor to alert Jake to their presence. </p><p>Predictably, Jake startles regardless, sitting up in his bed. When he spots Jay and Sunghoon standing close behind him, he whimpers and tugs the blanket over his head, dropping back down onto the mattress. Jay’s heart sinks. </p><p>“Jake,” Sunghoon says softly, closing the door and shuffling around Jay to sit on the bed across from him. “I’m sorry, Jake, but we need to talk.”</p><p>Jay doesn’t say anything, recognizing Sunghoon’s ability to calm others and letting him do his thing. Jake would probably respond best to him anyway. So, Jay takes a seat next to Sunghoon and keeps quiet, watching Jake toss and turn across the room. God, he feels so guilty to have caused Jake such stress during an already stressful time. What kind of hyung is he?</p><p>“You don’t have to look at us if you want,” Sunghoon continues. “But you deserve an explanation for what you saw.”</p><p>The lump beneath the blanket squirms again and lets out a small, “No.”</p><p>Sunghoon frowns. “No?”</p><p>“No,” Jake repeats, a bit louder this time. “You don’t owe me an explanation. If the two of you are… <em>involved</em> then—”</p><p>Jay can’t help himself. “Oh no, no,” he interrupts with a laugh. “We’re not in <em> that </em>kind of relationship.”</p><p>“Oh.” Jake peeks his head out from under the blanket, his hair all ruffled. “You’re not? Because if you were, I wouldn’t mind. I would support your decision—”</p><p>“It’s not that at all,” Sunghoon says and Jay glances over at him, surprised to see a blush. He’s rarely ever seen Sunghoon blush. It looks good on him. “We were just, ah…” Sunghoon looks to Jay for assistance. </p><p>Jay leans forward, elbows on his knees, trying not to look so intimidating. “We were playing—” he starts, but then Jake’s gaze meets his, so innocent and tender and just… no. Jay can’t lie to him. He knows it’s not what he planned with Sunghoon, but lying to Jake would be equivalent to kicking a puppy; it would just be wrong. He sighs. This is going to be so humiliating. “We were <em> practicing</em>… flirting with girls.”</p><p>The speed at which Sunghoon whips his head back around to look at him would be almost comical if it weren’t for the fact that he looks absolutely mortified. <em> I’m sorry, Sunghoon, but he’ll understand. And I’d just feel guiltier if I lied to him. </em>He wants to convey this through words, but Jake suddenly sits up in bed, the blanket falling from around him, and stares at them, nose crinkled. </p><p>“Practicing?” Jake asks. “Like… on each other?”</p><p>Thank god Jay doesn’t have to explain it to him. He turns away from Sunghoon, whose blush has still not abated, and answers, “Yeah. We figured, hey, we’re idols now. We should have that idol charm. And without anyone else to practice on…” Jay shrugs, feels his own embarrassment at the admission welling up. <em> Stay cool. He’ll understand, </em>he reminds himself, but his feet still have the urge to bounce and it’s a herculean effort to keep them flat against the floor.</p><p>Jake purses his lips, taking in Jay’s words. Then he bobs his head and says, “Yes, I can see how that would make sense.”</p><p>Beside him, Sunghoon lets out a sharp, disbelieving breath. Jay gives him a small pat on the back, as if to say, <em> See? I told you. </em>Then Jake suddenly says, “Is that the reason for the kiss? The practice?”</p><p>Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Jay hadn’t thought how to explain the kiss other than the gay chicken thing he came up with earlier and he has no other excuse up his sleeves. If he were to say no, that isn’t what happened, then Jake might get suspicious about Jay’s claim of practicing. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out, and his eyes wander over to Sunghoon, feeling ashamed that he has to look to him for guidance seeing as how Jay got him into his mess. Jake, meanwhile, looks between the two of them, confusion gradually returning to his face, and then, finally, Sunghoon breaks the silence.</p><p>“Th-that was practice too.”</p><p>Jay feels all the blood drain from his face. A dumbfounded “Huh” escapes him and he’s forced to bite down hard on his tongue when Jake says, “Oh, that makes sense. Actually…” He fidgets at the edge of his bed and although the curtains across the window throw the room into shadow, Jay can see his cheeks darkening. “I’ve kind of been feeling insecure about the flirting and, uh, kissing thing as well. I’m not judging you at all for this. In fact, I kinda… wanna participate?”</p><p>Jay’s mouth falls open briefly, but he hastily feigns a yawn and Sunghoon, voice pitched high with incredulity, squeaks, “You do?”</p><p>Jake nods, smiling, seemingly proud of himself for being able to admit it. Having no idea that the two guys sitting across from him are at a complete loss. Jake shrugs. “Yeah, why not? I trust you guys, and kissing doesn’t seem like such a big deal to me if it’s just for practice. I mean, I’d rather fuck up with you two than a someone I happen to meet, you know? And have you ever seen those videos floating around on YouTube of virgins kissing at their weddings for the first time? It’s nightmarish.” Jake screws his eyes shut and shivers, shaking his head. “I-I can’t be like that. I would die.”</p><p>Videos of virgins kissing at their weddings…? Jay hadn’t known Jake had been worrying so much about this and feels like he should have seen it before. But there isn’t time to dwell on that now. Had Jay heard Jake right? About him wanting to <em> join </em> them? To practice <em> kissing</em>? Things have gone so off track that Jay can only stare and attempt to put together a proper sentence. “Uh, well… I mean… if you really… the kissing thing…”</p><p>Sunghoon jumps in before Jay manages to embarrass himself further. “I don’t see any harm in that.” He looks at Jay, eyes pleading with him to play along. “Do you?”</p><p>Jay feels like screaming. How the hell had this even happened? But he’s in such shock all he can do is say, “Nope.”</p><p>“Cool!” Jake exclaims, throwing off the blanket entirely, his attitude having done a complete one-eighty. “When’s the next practice session?”</p><p>“Tomorrow,” Sunghoon supplies far too quickly, almost blurting it out. </p><p>“In the studio?”</p><p>Sunghoon nods stiffly. “Yup.”</p><p>Jake claps his hands together, making both Sunghoon and Jay jump. “Okay! Just text me the time and I’ll be there.” He lets loose a relieved sigh and stands, stretching his hands over his head. “I feel <em> much </em> better about this whole thing. Thanks for talking to me.” And he heads for the door like it’s just another ordinary morning. </p><p><em> Last chance, </em> Jay thinks. <em> Just tell him you’ve called it off, you’re not practicing anymore. </em>“Hey, Jake.”</p><p>Jake stops in his tracks, foot poised over the threshold, and glances over his shoulder at him. “Yeah, what is it?”</p><p>Jay swallows as he takes in Jake’s content expression, the newfound relaxation in his shoulders, and asks, feeling utterly defeated, “Why did you throw open the door to the studio last night anyway?”</p><p>Jake flashes a radiant smile. “Oh, I got up from the couch to go sleep in my own bed, but I heard voices coming from down the hall. Thought I would give you guys a little scare.” He laughs a little. “Turns out you’re the ones who gave <em> me </em>a scare. Funny, right?”</p><p>Jay laughs uneasily along with him, hands fussing in his lap. “Yeah, very funny.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“‘That was practice too?’” Jay hisses at Sunghoon, still trying to reckon with what he just witnessed. “What the hell were you thinking?”</p><p>As soon as Jay confirmed that Jake had joined the others in the living room, he’d snatched up Sunghoon’s hand and yanked him into the bathroom. It’s a tight fit, Jay with his back flush against the frosted glass of the shower stall and Sunghoon leaning on the sink. </p><p>“What the hell were <em> you </em>thinking?” Sunghoon flashes back, the color of his face a peculiar combination of red and bone-white. “I thought we had a plan!”</p><p>“You saw him! How was I supposed to lie to… to…” Jay gesticulates wildly, “<em>that</em>?”</p><p>Sunghoon huffs and runs a hand through his hair. “Fine, that’s fair. But why didn’t you mention that <em> before </em>we spoke to him? Didn’t you think that was important?”</p><p>“I didn’t realize it then, and I was prepared to tell him the <em> whole </em>truth—”</p><p>“That’s not what it looked like to me.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Sunghoon cocks an eyebrow. “You were panicking and I… did what was necessary.”</p><p>“You mean, you told him we <em> practiced kissing</em>?”</p><p>“I told him what I had to!” Sunghoon whispers harshly. “If I hadn’t said anything, he would have gotten suspicious, and that was the best I could think of at the time.”</p><p>Jay stares at him for a few seconds, unable to come up with anything to counter him. Then he groans, dropping his head back against the glass. “Why is this happening?</p><p>“Because you decided to kiss me rather than gracefully lose,” Sunghoon quips. </p><p>“I know,” Jay sighs.</p><p>“And you’re the one who suggested practicing in the first place.”</p><p>Jay sighs louder. “<em>I</em> <em>know</em>.”</p><p>“So, really,” Sunghoon continues and, damn him, Jay can <em> hear </em> the smile in his voice, “you could say <em> this entire thing </em> is your own fault.”</p><p>Jay levels a glare at him, but Sunghoon’s smile doesn’t waver, not even a little. “Fine. But you’re just as deep in this shit as I am, so we’re gonna have to work this out together.”</p><p>“And how do you suggest we do that?” Sunghoon asks, crossing his arms over his chest. “You saw how excited he was. We can’t just tell him we’re not gonna do it.”</p><p>As true as Jay knows Sunghoon’s words are, a desperate part of him still grasps for something, <em> anything</em>, to get them out of this. “Why not? He’ll understand. He won’t hold it against us—”</p><p>“He won’t,” Sunghoon interjects, “but you know he’ll be really disappointed about it.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“And we’d feel really <em> guilty </em>about it.”</p><p>“God…” Jay trails off, staring at the floor as he weighs his options—well, <em> option</em>. He swallows the lump in his throat and decides this is just going to have to be his life now. “Hope you’re ready for me to kiss you again,” Jay tells him, chuckling in disbelief.</p><p>Sunghoon wiggles his eyebrows. “Hope <em> you’re </em>ready to kiss Jake.”</p><p>Jay buries his face in his hands. “Oh <em> god</em>.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>They are halfway through their recording session at the sound studio when it occurs to Jay at the worst possible time that he and Sunghoon had forgotten to ask Jake not to tell anyone else about what they were doing. </p><p>He jumps when the mic in the recording room clicks on and the voice of the producer screeches through. “Do it again, but this time hit that note like we practiced. Remember not to lose your breath when you move to that higher octave, okay?”</p><p>Jay nods at the producer through the window and he sees Heeseung, Jungwon, and Niki wave and give him several thumbs-ups. He thought he <em> had </em>hit that note, but it seems his thoughts are once again affecting his work. He supposes this time he should be grateful they aren’t about sex even though they’re just as annoying. Thankfully, Sunghoon and Jake are off in another part of the Big Hit building several stories down getting some extra practice in with one of their dance instructors, so he doesn’t have to deal with them on top of his own fucked-up mind. </p><p>After managing to get his shit together enough to finish the recording session without making a total fool of himself, he hangs out with Heeseung, Jungwon, and Niki in the cafe while waiting for Sunghoon and Jake. When Heeseung offers to buy him some coffee, Jay knows he’s already anxious enough and should refuse, but he figures that if he doesn’t have an excuse to sit at a table instead of pace in circles he’ll just end up worrying the others. So he ends up occupying a table and forcing himself to participate in conversation for over an hour until Sunghoon and Jake finally show up.</p><p>Jake immediately waves at them and runs over, smiling wide. “I think that’s all we have on our agenda today, so we can go home,” he tells them, eyes lingering a bit too long on Jay. </p><p>Jay mimes taking another sip of his coffee as he’d been doing since he sat down, giving himself an excuse to look away. “Good, I feel like passing out for a little while.” He spares a glance at Sunghoon who has shuffled up behind Jake, appearing not nearly as chipper. In fact, despite the obvious workout he must have gotten from practice, he looks a little pale. When their eyes meet, Sunghoon’s tired, desperate gaze relates something along the lines of <em> Help me</em>, and not for the first time that day Jay is grateful <em> he </em>wasn’t the one who had to spend time with Jake after their conversation that morning.</p><p>They meet Sunoo in the lobby, having just come from school. He’s so talkative after hours of silence spent in exams that Jay doesn’t have to speak. Sunghoon sits beside him in the van, staring straight ahead, and Jay would have comforted him with some reassuring words if not for Jake sitting on Sunghoon’s other side. That leaves Jay with just his thoughts and he gets pulled so deep into them that he only realizes Heeseung suggested they go out to a restaurant to celebrate the end of Sunoo’s exams when the van is pulling into a parking lot. </p><p>Sunghoon makes an effort to try and sit next to Jay so maybe they can talk using the restaurant’s constant hum of voices as cover, but Heeseung calls Sunghoon over to sit beside him instead, so Sunghoon just ends up casting a helpless glance at Jay and acquiescing. Jay, meanwhile, because whatever god there is evidently hates him, is stuck sitting right next to Jake. </p><p>To his surprise, the meal ends up going relatively okay. Aside from some awkward moments where his and Jake’s hands accidentally touch when they reach for the same platter and when Jay momentarily panics when Jake smiles at him and looks like he might strike up a conversation but just asks for something off his plate, it’s pretty uneventful. At the end of the table, Sunghoon is far enough away from both Jay and Jake that he seems able to enjoy himself, laughing and talking with Heeseung and Sunoo. Jay feels jealous, but he knows that Sunghoon has already spent hours with Jake earlier so it’s only fair. </p><p>Niki and Jungwon head off to bed as soon as they get home while everyone else, Jay included, hangs out in the living room, sprawling on the couch and stretching on pillows across the floor. Jay plays on his phone and pretends to nap, listening to conversations gradually go quiet and footsteps leave the room. When he next opens his eyes, he is alone, and he looks at his watch. <em>Shit! </em>He’d actually fallen asleep for a couple hours and now it’s twenty minutes to midnight. </p><p>“I texted Jake the time we would meet earlier,” Sunghoon informs him as he rushes out to the kitchen. The younger boy is sitting at the table with nothing in his hands and Jay suspects he’d just been staring at the wall before he walked in, although he can’t say for how long. Honestly, when it comes to Sunghoon it could have been hours. “Thought we should keep it easy by meeting at the time we usually meet at.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you wake me up earlier?” Jay asks, retrieving a glass from the cabinet and filling it up with water at the sink. </p><p>“Thought you’d need some rest before… uh, the <em> practicing</em>.”</p><p>Jay downs the entire glass of water in one go. “That’s fair.” God, why does he sound so resigned? Just a couple days ago he’d been so pumped up he could hardly sleep. Now it’s like he’s accepted his fate. Then again, he supposes this <em> has </em> gone from casual lessons in charm to kissing two of his group members. How in the hell had he managed to screw up his life so much in such a short amount of time? <em> I must have been too lucky winning I-Land, </em> he thinks, turning the glass around in his hand. <em> And the universe is trying to balance that out in the strangest, most humiliating way possible.  </em></p><p>Sunghoon nods toward the hallway. “I think he’s in the bedroom still.”</p><p>“Nah, I’m right here.”</p><p>Both Sunghoon and Jay shriek “Fuck!” and “Oh my god!” respectively, the glass slipping from Jay’s hand. He does a little dance with it before it fully escapes his grasp to clatter in the sink.</p><p>Jake’s eyebrows climb up his forehead as he stares at them, obviously having just walked out of the hallway across the kitchen that sweeps past the living room. “Um, sorry. I should… probably stop popping in so suddenly, especially after last time, right?” he laughs weakly and jabs a thumb over his shoulder. “Anyway, I figured I’d wait in the studio, so… whenever you guys are ready.”</p><p>Jake disappears back around the corner and silence hangs heavy in the air until they hear the studio door open and close down the hall. </p><p>“This is really happening,” Sunghoon says, taking a deep breath and releasing it in a gust. “This is really, <em> actually </em> happening.”</p><p>“I know,” Jay replies, abandoning his glass in the sink and running a hand through his hair, heart pounding, hands shaking. “Shit.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>More silence.</p><p>“Um, uh,” Jay stammers, then clears his throat. “We should… follow him.”</p><p>Sunghoon nods and stands, the screech of the chair legs scraping against the floor almost deafening. Jay cringes, but starts a march down the night-darkened hallway, forcing himself to take deep breaths. <em> Okay. This is okay, </em> he thinks as he arrives at the studio door, hand on the knob. <em> Jake is your friend. He’s fine with this. You can be fine with this.  </em></p><p>Jake is sitting cross-legged on the floor in the middle of the studio when Jay enters the room. The wide smile that breaks out across his face makes Jay’s stomach flip and his heart pound faster. Behind him, Sunghoon seems similarly tense, not moving any further into the room than Jay. He suspects the younger boy won’t be of much help, so he decides he has to take the lead in this.</p><p>Jay drops down to the floor a good few feet across from Jake and rolls his shoulders to ease the tension in them. “Okay, so… how do you want to start?” Might as well have Jake do some of the work since he seems so eager. Besides that, Jay hasn’t quite figured out exactly how to approach this yet and needs to buy himself some time to think.</p><p>Jake cocks his head to one side. “Shouldn’t I be asking <em> you </em>that? I mean, I’m the one who’s new to this whole thing.”</p><p><em> Fuck, he’s too sharp. </em> Jay offers Jake a shrug and turns to peer up at Sunghoon who is still standing, staring straight forward like a deer caught in headlights. He’d been hoping to get some assistance from him, but it’s obvious from the way Sunghoon’s eyes dart down to look at him, wide and bewildered, that it isn’t going to happen. Jay pats the floor next to him. “Join us?”</p><p>Sunghoon drops down so hard there’s an audible, echoing <em> thump</em>, his face erupting in a blush. Jake’s eyebrows quirk up, but he doesn’t say anything about it, his face never losing its smile. <em> How the hell is he so calm about this? </em>“We’ve been doing this for longer, so we know what each other’s preferences are,” Jay begins, extending feelers, proceeding with caution. “We don’t want you to be uncomfortable, so we thought it best to get your suggestions.” </p><p>Jake nods, studying the ceiling in thought, and Jay uses the opportunity to mouth “You okay?” to Sunghoon, who is looking considerably less panicked now that he is sitting down. The younger boy nods back and swallows hard. God, Jay can’t believe neither of them has fucked this up yet, but one could say that they would be hard pressed to fuck this up any further than it already is, so there’s that. </p><p>No sooner had he thought that, however, than Jake says, “I think we should just jump into the kissing part,” and it’s everything Jay can do not to spring up and run out the door. Beside him, Sunghoon stops breathing. Jake doesn’t seem to notice, continuing, “Otherwise I’ll get too nervous to do anything.”</p><p>I <em> might be too nervous to do anything, </em>Jay realizes, hiding his shaking hands in his lap. Still, he manages to respond, “Sounds reasonable. Any preference for which of us you want to, uh, kiss?”</p><p>He can feel Sunghoon’s eyes on him, boring holes into his skin. <em> What are you doing? </em> he imagines Sunghoon yelling at him in his head. <em> What the </em> hell <em> are you doing? </em> But what else is he <em> supposed </em> to do? Just tell Jake to go for it and pucker up? Granted, there isn’t much of a difference between that and what Jay just asked, but at least Jay’s suggestion would split the possibility of Jake kissing them between him and Sunghoon. And he knows it’s wrong, but he <em> really </em>hopes Jake will pick Sunghoon. </p><p>“Hmm,” Jake hums, contemplating them, eyes seeming to dart between both Jay and Sunghoon endlessly. Jake hums again, sounding even more unsure this time, and Jay feels like his heart is trying to squeeze its way out of his throat. Every passing second, a scream builds in his lungs, burning its way up. Then Jake lets loose a frustrated sigh. “I can’t choose. Couldn’t one of you volunteer?”</p><p>Jay wants so badly to say <em> Hell no </em> and actually considers it, but Sunghoon jumps in with, “W-we could do rock-paper-scissors.”</p><p>“Rock-paper-scissors?” Jay and Jake say at the same time, Jay’s squeak thankfully drowned out by Jake’s own. </p><p>Caught off guard, Sunghoon starts to speak, but only ends up making a weird noise in his throat. “I mean, uh, yeah. Loser has to kiss,” he manages after a couple choking coughs. “So…?” He extends a fist, his smile twitching as he struggles to maintain it. </p><p>Jay and Jake’s eyes meet for a brief moment, and if Jake is looking for something there he must not find it, because he nods at them to continue and says, “Okay, sure.”</p><p>Cornered, Jay swallows around the lump in his throat and also extends a fist, hoping Jake doesn’t notice his hand shaking. <em> There’s still a chance it’ll be Sunghoon, there’s still a chance it’ll be Sunghoon. </em>God, he shouldn’t want Sunghoon to end up in a position like that, but the panic has thoroughly seized him now and there’s nothing else he can think about.</p><p>Jay resists the urge to close his eyes as Jake ends the countdown and he makes his move. He studies what Sunghoon played, his heartbeat finally slowing—</p><p>—to a complete stop, because Sunghoon chose scissors and he chose paper. Fuck.</p><p>The apologetic look in Sunghoon’s eyes is offset by the obvious relief in his posture, and Jay wants to be angry with him, he really does—<em>Why didn’t you choose rock? Everyone chooses rock!</em>—but he reminds himself that he is the older one, although not by much. It’s only right that he goes first. This is his chance to ease the tension, to show Sunghoon that this isn’t as bad as he fears it might be. Yes, it’s <em> good </em>that he lost. </p><p>He repeats this over and over in his head as he watches Jake scoot his way across the floor toward him, the susurration of the younger boy’s pajama pants against the wood so loud it seems to block out all other sound. Jake takes a deep breath and lets it loose, so close Jay can feel the gust lick at his face. “So,” Jay begins, very aware that if he doesn’t say something now while he’s still able to articulate he’d just be stuck there gaping like a moron. “We’ll start off with a peck.” He plumbs the last of his confidence, still failing to completely eliminate the slight waver that clings stubbornly to each word. </p><p>It’s clear now that Jake is close that he’s just as nervous, face bone-pale in the few places it isn’t flushed red. He keeps chewing his lower lip, eyes fixed pointedly on the floor. “Okay. Yeah.”</p><p>A few seconds pass with nothing, Jay’s heartbeat pounding away in his chest, so loud he’s <em> sure </em> the others can hear it. When Jake’s eyes travel back up to regard him, round and innocent and pleading for guidance, Jay makes a decision right then. He decides to close his eyes and purse his lips like he’s seen in the K-drama, hoping that Jake follows his lead. He waits, giving Jake all the time he needs. There’s certainly no rush from Jay’s side. Then he hears a snort and his eyes snap open.</p><p>Sunghoon is hiding his mouth behind a hand, but it’s obvious he’s laughing. “S-sorry,” he snickers as Jake also turns to face him. “It’s just… you’re both just sitting there a full foot away from each other with your eyes closed making duck faces. Tell me how I’m not supposed to laugh at that.”</p><p>Jay flashes him a look that says, <em> Why don’t </em> you <em> try it? </em>while Jake murmurs, “Oh, right.” When he turns back to Jay, he’s red from ears to neck. “Sorry.”</p><p>“No problem,” Jay replies, as if he’s somehow the expert in all this and he’s encouraging his student. But he can’t think of anything else to say. After all, Sunghoon <em> had </em> claimed they’d been practicing. <em> Pull yourself together, Jay. </em>“Um, let’s get closer.”</p><p>Jake nods, thankfully not questioning why Jay seems to be so bad at this, and shuffles close enough that their knees brush. The touch sends his heart into a flustered frenzy. Sweat beads on the back of his neck. </p><p>Jake is the one to close his eyes and lean in first and Jay rushes to do the same, wishing that Sunghoon would interrupt them again, give him an excuse to delay this just a little longer. God, he’s such a coward, getting so anxious over a <em> kiss</em>. Not even an actual kiss, just a peck, barely any touching involved. After months of participating in the most grueling competition of his life, performing several stages after only a week of practice. In front of cameras broadcasting live every little misstep, recording any slight waver in his voice, to the entire world. In front of the head of Big Hit. In front of <em> BTS. </em>This kiss shouldn’t be nearly as nerve-racking as it’s making him feel. But it is. </p><p>Maybe it’s because, just before he’d closed his eyes, he’d been starting to notice little things about Jake he hadn’t before, like how the seashell pinkness of his lips has nothing to do with the gloss they use, or how the cologne that clings to him is so strong he must have put some on just prior to this encounter. And it smells nice. Jay’s going to have to ask him about the brand.</p><p><em> Ugh, focus. </em>In an effort to prevent his mind from wandering to such odd places, he leans forward. He’s so determined, in fact, that he temporarily forgets how close he already is to Jake and ends up bonking their noses together. Pulling back slightly, his eyes shoot open to see Jake rubbing his nose. Sunghoon erupts in giggles again. </p><p>“Ouch, sorry,” Jake says, gingerly feeling his nose for bruising. “I didn’t mean to get so close, I’m—”</p><p>Then Sunghoon stops giggling and Jake stops apologizing, because Jay has just grabbed Jake by the shoulders and pressed their lips together. </p><p>It’s only for at most two seconds, not long enough for Jay to even feel much of anything, but when he moves back the blood is roaring in his ears. Jake stares at him wide-eyed, unblinking, and Jay hears Sunghoon let out a breath—of shock, of relief, he can’t tell. What he <em> does </em>notice is that both his hands are still firmly gripping Jake by the shoulders. He quickly releases him, clearing his throat. “So, um… was that okay?”</p><p>Jake keeps staring, silent, and Jay wonders if he may have broken him. Then the younger boy nods and replies, a bit breathless, “Uh huh.”</p><p>When Jay redirects his attention to Sunghoon if only so he doesn’t have to face Jake, he finds Sunghoon with his eyebrows high up his forehead. Then he realizes, <em> Oh shit, I did it again. </em></p><p>“Now what?” Sunghoon asks cautiously. “Do we…?” He points between himself and Jake.</p><p>“Um…” Jake trails off, considering, fingers playing with his lips. “Yeah, that would only be fair.” </p><p>Jay leans back on his hands, watching the two shuffle closer, noticing the blush that blossoms on Sunghoon’s face and the one that maintains its intensity on Jake’s own. Had Jay looked as nervous as Sunghoon? Because damn if Sunghoon doesn’t look <em> exactly </em>how Jay felt. </p><p>Their lips meet without much trouble, although they do end up brushing against each other’s cheeks before finding their mark, and Jay tries to swallow his ridiculous jealousy at how much easier it is for Sunghoon. It’s a strange sight, especially since it seems so intimate, as if Jay shouldn’t even be here. But he shakes off the feeling. This isn’t supposed to be intimate, and Jay won’t let himself think it is. He’s not ready for that kind of awkward, doesn’t think he’ll <em> ever </em>be ready. In fact, it would be best if he doesn’t dwell too much on things at this point, so he decides to focus on fixing his hair in the closest mirror to avoid the embarrassment that comes from watching the two. </p><p>Holy shit, he looks like he just finished a stage. Strands of sweaty hair cling to his forehead and he could have had sunburn with how red his face is. There’s no reason to look this flustered over something so trivial. None.</p><p>He almost laughs when he turns back and sees Sunghoon looking for all the world like he’d just finished running a marathon. Jake doesn’t look that much better, fingers once again going to his lips. Silence stretches on for a few minutes as they all grapple with what just happened and, in Jay’s case, how the hell he’s going to be able to keep up this charade. </p><p>Then Jake sits fully upright, flashes a smile at both of them like he hadn’t just kissed two of his best friends, and says, “Okay. What’s next?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, I know this may seem like it's just limping along slowly, but next chapter is when things will REALLY start to heat up. Let's just say that will be when this fic will earn it's explicit rating. Be prepared!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Jay's most shameful moment yet! ;)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>What was next was a good hour of ‘charm’ practice, going back and forth between Jay, Jake, and Sunghoon. It was as awkward as Jay had been expecting: <em> very</em>. Although Jay should be used to that by now considering his previous practice with Sunghoon, Jake’s presence seems to put him right back at square one, dithering and fretting and talking way too much. After getting Jake to agree to keep this whole thing secret, which isn’t particularly hard to do, Jay is so exhausted he falls into bed and sleeps all the way through until morning for the first time in days. </p><p>With just a week to go before their debut, their schedules get jam-packed with album photoshoots, music video filming, grueling dance practices, long hours in the recording studio, and even the first mic checks for their <em> Music Bank </em> stage. Despite this, the midnight practices in the studio continue, the closeness of their debut only serving to feed their determination to build their idol charm. Sometime during this blur of activity, the kissing evolves from pecks to <em> actual </em>kissing; like, full-on-mouth, lips-moving-together kissing. Jay’s mind is so fuzzy from the overwork that he doesn’t notice it at first, the movements slow and brimming with hesitation. There’s a naturalness to it, an inevitable progression that has Jay realizing halfway through his nightly kiss with Sunghoon that he’s taken the younger boy’s lower lip between his own, sucking lightly. </p><p>As surprised as he looks at the development, Sunghoon doesn’t say anything about it and neither does Jake. Instead they just follow his lead, probably not trusting themselves to keep the awkward at bay should they address it, which is just fine with Jay. The kissing part of their sessions has occupied a larger part of Jay’s mind than the flirting practice, probably because the thought of kissing Sunghoon and Jake, his friends, his <em> groupmates</em>, has Jay teetering on the edge all day. He tells himself that it’s fine, he’ll eventually get used to the kissing, that it won’t seem like such a big deal after the first few times. But then he puts the brakes on that train of thought with a reminder that he shouldn’t <em> get used to kissing his friends, what the fuck, Jay? </em></p><p>But between all the preparations and struggling to keep up with the frantic pace of their schedules, their practice sessions become another stepping stone to their debut, a necessary task done with professionalism, much to Jay’s mixed relief and horror. The minutes spent trying to decide which way they should tilt their heads, who should go in first, how long the kiss should last, evaporate as they grow more comfortable, learn each other’s habits. Habits that Jay should never have known, should never <em> have had </em> to know, in the first place. Sunghoon, for instance, cocks his head to the left instead of the right, and Jake prefers to wait for the others to initiate, although he is gaining in confidence. </p><p>Case in point: halfway through the week, the stars align for Jake during dance practice, and he even gets compliments from their instructor. He is on absolute <em> fire </em> and the group members tell him so, with Jay joining in. If only Jay knew then how that would translate into their practice sessions.</p><p>“Okay, kissing,” Jake chirps immediately upon them all sitting down in the studio, clapping his knees eagerly. “I’ll go first. Sunghoon?”</p><p>Sunghoon flashes Jay a questioning look, as if Jay and Jake had conspired together shortly before this session just to mess with him. Jay shrugs at him, just as bewildered at Jake’s sudden burst of confidence, and nods at Sunghoon to go on. Sunghoon turns back to Jake and his eyes glaze over in that way they do just before the kissing—a defense mechanism, a way to disconnect, or just general fatigue, Jay can’t tell. Curious, he watches more closely than usual, not letting himself fall back into a daze as he waits his turn like he would do any other night. </p><p>Sunghoon and Jake shuffle closer and there’s no hesitation. Not from Sunghoon, but from <em> Jake. </em>The younger boy leans in as soon as he can reach, pressing their lips together. Sunghoon’s eyes lose a bit of their glaze at the unexpected move, but he eventually closes them nonetheless. </p><p>A couple uneventful seconds tick by and Jay wonders if he should just return to zoning out when Sunghoon makes a strangled noise in his throat, eyes snapping open. As startled as he sounds, he doesn’t move away, his hands curling into fists where they rest on his lap. Jay’s body moves on its own, leaning in closer, and then he sees it: a flash of something wet and pink. <em> Oh god</em>, they aren’t, they couldn’t be—</p><p>“I-I, uh,” Jay stammers, swallowing hard. He shoots to his feet and turns sharply when the others pull apart to regard him. “I’m sorry, I gotta… um, bathroom!” </p><p>The studio door is deafeningly loud as it swings shut behind him and he hopes to fuck he doesn’t encounter anyone on his way to the bathroom; he would absolutely <em> die </em> if he was seen now, in this state. Because he confirms the second he locks the bathroom door and pulls down his pants that, yep, he has an erection. <em> Fuck </em> his traitorous body. </p><p>He stares at it for a long minute, a bead of sweat trailing down the side of his face. <em> This isn’t happening, this isn’t happening. </em> He did <em> not </em> just pop a boner watching his best friends tongue kiss. No way. He doesn’t even <em> like </em> them that way. Doesn’t even like <em> guys</em>. So why did this happen? <em> How </em> ? Seeing Jake slide his tongue into Sunghoon’s mouth had just been so unexpected that it combined with Jay’s general, annoying horniness since the end of I-Land and—yeah, that’s it. His stupid teenage hormones caught him off-guard, long enough for him to imagine what it would feel like for a girl to do that to <em> him</em>, what it could lead to. Nothing unusual about that. It just so happened to be the perfect storm. </p><p>Now what to do about it. Jay had assumed that taking himself out of the situation, the fear of having the others see him as he made a beeline for the bathroom, would be enough to make it go away, but apparently not. He <em> could </em>wait until it goes down, think of something especially off-putting to speed it along, but if he spends too long in the bathroom that might start to look suspicious. And—oh god, he’s still not sure just how much Jake and Sunghoon saw. This isn’t some easily-concealed half chub he’s sporting. Had he turned away quickly enough? Had he kept his back completely to them the entire time as he crossed the room and left? He’ll never know and he’ll never ask. </p><p>But he can’t just… <em> come </em> after that. It would fucking haunt him forever. It would be inexcusable. His friends agreed to kissing— <em> not </em> to them getting off to each other. It would be wrong. It would be a violation of their friendship and their trust. Even if he manages to think about something else, <em> anything </em> else, while he gets off, it still won’t erase the fact that the whole reason he got this hard-on is because of… </p><p>Turns out, stressing over having gotten hard at watching your friends make out with each other despite having no interest in them at all is a good way to get rid of runaway arousal. He’s soft before he even knows it, and he wastes no time swiping some toilet paper to clean up and tucking himself firmly back into his pants. He stands there for another full minute as he contemplates returning to the studio and decides, much to his chagrin, that he has to or else risk the others’ probing questions later. </p><p>Jay is not prepared for Jake and Sunghoon’s stares when he re-enters the studio, and his hands immediately shoot down to clasp together in front of his crotch just in case. </p><p>“Jay, I’m sorry,” Jake says, the words coming out in a rush. He bows his head. “I shouldn’t have just jumped into the, uh… you know. I should have discussed it with both of you beforehand.”</p><p>Jay had ensured he looked put together prior to leaving the bathroom. Even so, he feels as good as naked under his friends’ stares. “No, really. I just had to pee,” Jay insists, joining them once again on the floor. “I had way too much to drink at dinner.” His laugh sounds hollow to his own ears, but he hopes it’s enough to convince them. </p><p>“Okay,” Sunghoon says, nodding, although Jay can tell from the look in his eyes that he’s only interjecting to save Jay’s skin. His mouth drops open in a mighty yawn, arms stretching above his head. “Jeez, I don’t think I can last much longer. Feel like I’m gonna pass out right here on the floor.”</p><p>Jay doesn’t fail to notice the guilt that clouds Jake’s eyes, but he can’t say anything, because he wants to run, to be anywhere else but in this studio. In the face of what just happened, Sunghoon’s suggestion of an early night sounds nigh on irresistible. <em> I’m sorry, Jake.  </em></p><p>They all agree to turn in, preparing for bed in heavy silence. Based on the constant tossing and turning he hears in the neighboring beds, Jay suspects neither Sunghoon nor Jake—and for that matter, <em> himself</em>—get any sleep that night. </p><p>The next day is a slog that he manages to weather without attracting much attention from Heeseung, Sunoo, Jungwon, and Niki, who are all equally drained. Sunghoon and Jake speak to him only in passing, and they’re so busy Jay can’t tell if the curtness is due to the events of the previous night or the fact that they’ve been running since they got up that morning. There’s no time to dwell on this, however, not when Jay is already spending hours getting his hair bleached again and playing catch-up with the “Chamber 5” and “Flicker” dances. Even their meals are relegated to quick bites between activities, sometimes alone, sometimes in pairs, but never all together. </p><p>While the hair noonas fret over him, he dozes off in the chair, submitting to a tangle of dreams. His tired brain jumps from one vision to another until it settles, inevitably, on sex. He’s kissing a girl, running his fingers through her long, silky hair. His hands wander, one curling around the small of her back, the other sliding up over her breast. Then her tongue dips into his mouth and his eyes fly open to see that it’s not a girl he’s kissing. It’s Sunghoon, with that mole on the bridge of his nose and dark bangs falling into his eyes. No, it’s Jake, his cheeks dusted pink, peering up at him through thick lashes. The fluttering heartbeat he feels beneath his hand, the fact that he can’t tell if it’s his own or Sunghoon’s or Jake’s, jolts him awake. </p><p>The noonas yell after him as he rushes to the nearest bathroom, hair still wet with the bleach, lightheaded as he hyperventilates. The first thing he does is check his crotch and—oh, <em> thank fuck</em>, there’s no boner. He’s lucky his body is too worn out to achieve even the slightest erection. But next time might be different.</p><p>That’s why, when he reemerges and apologizes to the noonas, he endeavors to stay awake at all costs. Not only is there the possibility that he’ll get hard should he fall asleep again, but the idea that somewhere in his mind is a near wet-dream of Sunghoon and Jake floating around, waiting to resurface—it’s somehow <em> more </em>threatening than the chance of popping a boner in public. Because at least when he gets back home, safely hidden under a mountain of blankets in his bed, he can hide his arousal. But there’s no guarantee that he will never encounter that dream again.</p><p>So concerned is he with the dream that he forgets about his midnight practice with Jake and Sunghoon until he receives a text from Jake asking, <em> “We on for tonight?” </em></p><p>Jay waits for a few minutes, waiting to see if Sunghoon would respond, but leaving him on read for too long would look bad, so he types up a short reply of <em> “OK.” </em> Because he can’t just duck out now, not after Jake looked so guilty last night when he came back into the studio. There’s no reason to add to Jake’s stress, not when their debut is only days away. Sunghoon immediately responds in agreement, as if he’d been staring at his phone, waiting for Jay to say something. <em> This is so fucked. </em></p><p>“Should we,” Jake begins when the time rolls around, wetting his lips, fingers twisting together in his lap, “just toss out the whole tongue thing?”</p><p><em> Tongue thing</em>. Jay pushes the image of Jake and Sunghoon kissing out of his head. “If you’re worried that I was bothered by it, don’t be,” Jay says, ignoring Sunghoon’s skeptical stare out of the corner of his eye. “In fact,”—<em>Jay, shut up. Stop talking right now— </em>“I’ll do it right now. Come here.”</p><p>This might be the stupidest thing he’s ever done, but he can’t see any other way around this. He’s still not completely comfortable with the idea of getting used to kissing his friends, but it seems like the only way to cope. If he could just get over his weird obsession with the tongue kiss from before, he could go back to focusing on what’s <em> actually </em>important: their debut. The novelty of the tongue kissing is surely the issue here. </p><p>So when Jake is close enough, has leaned in and shut his eyes, Jay goes in for the kiss. To convince Jake that he’s okay with this despite being far from it, he runs his tongue along Jake’s lower lip, requesting entrance. The little gasping sound that escapes the younger boy sends Jay’s heart into a frenzy. Jake opens up, letting Jay’s tongue slide against his own. Sighing through his nose, Jay explores, wanting to come across as confident, and he doesn’t realize until he hears Sunghoon make a strange noise a few feet away that his hand has settled on Jake’s knee, sliding steadily upward to his hip, over his stomach—</p><p>Jay pulls away, snatching his hand back. He clears his throat as Jake regards him with concern, awaiting an answer. “See? No problem.” Jay flashes him what he hopes is a convincing smile.</p><p>“Are we… touching each other now?”</p><p>Jay stiffens at the question. <em> Shit, he noticed. </em>Sunghoon ruffles his hair, eyes dropping to examine his nails. “I mean, I suppose it would make sense. Most of the time people don’t just keep their hands at their sides when they kiss. Right?”</p><p>Jake’s eyes wander to the ceiling, considering it, and Jay thinks, <em> Fuck, what have I done now? </em>“Yeah. I’m cool with it. It would be more authentic that way.”</p><p>Jay nods, a small “Yeah” escaping him, and instead of practicing between themselves, Sunghoon and Jake jump into flirting practice. Jay tries not to look too relieved, his brain wanting so badly to just shut off for a while to process what just happened as he watches them, but he knows better than to let it. Now would be the absolute worst time to slip into possible boner-inspiring daydreams. </p><p>Jay struggles through the flirting, even letting himself laugh a little at his screw-ups. But he’s getting better; all of them are. He doesn’t freak out whenever the others get close or kiss his hand or any of that sappy shit, at least. That’s progress, right?</p><p>The next night, they’re all so drained that Jay doesn’t even have the energy to devote to getting embarrassed. So he kisses Sunghoon, opening his mouth to welcome his tongue, and places a hand firmly on his knee. Things go rather smoothly, Jay devoting most of his concentration to making his movements smooth, sensual, honing his craft—and then he feels Sunghoon’s hand land on the small of his back. </p><p>Jay’s muscles tense up and he peeks open an eye to see Sunghoon’s lips curling up in a smirk. <em> Oh, so that’s how it is, huh? </em> Competitiveness takes control of his limbs and Jay moves his own hand from Sunghoon’s knee to his thigh. Then it’s Sunghoon’s turn to stiffen. But he recovers quicker than Jay would have thought and slides his hand from Jay’s back to his chest, where Jay prays he can’t feel how fast his heart is racing just behind his ribs. Jay decides not to give him enough time to notice, lifting his hand and curling his fingers around the back of Sunghoon’s neck. He pulls out all the stops, determined to have Sunghoon admit defeat, tongue twisting with his, wrestling, fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. Behind him, Jake lets out an impressed “ooooh.” For his part, Sunghoon holds his own, not backing down but also not responding, not even <em> breathing</em>. </p><p>Thankfully, Sunghoon ends the kiss before Jay can think too much about his reaction, pulling his hand back from his chest. Jake breaks into applause that causes them both to jump. “Whoa, that was, like, expert-tier,” he exclaims, awestruck. “You two looked like you were gonna—” Jake abruptly cuts himself off, and Jay suspects that might be because Jake sees the brief horror that passes over his eyes. Jake coughs a couple times into his fist, face growing red, and continues, “Um, it was very convincing. Anyone would think you’re naturals at this.”</p><p>Jay isn’t sure whether to be proud or uncomfortable at that compliment. <em> Should </em> he feel accomplished that he’s excelled at kissing his friend? As he grapples with this, Sunghoon motions Jake over, and Jay is once again grateful that Sunghoon knows him enough to recognize when he needs a break. He only wishes he could get his shit together to do the same, but his heart is still pounding out of control and, <em> dammit</em>, how in the world had he lost the confidence he’d cultivated for years in little more than a week? </p><p>This is getting out of hand. </p><p>But he’s afraid to say anything, because on Monday all of their lives will change in a way they could never have imagined just months ago, and the pressure that will come with that will be overwhelming all by itself. There’s no reason to add to his friends’ stress, their concerns, just because he himself is struggling with some personal insecurities. Dumping his emotional troubles on them now might affect their morale and disrupt their concentration. <em> If only I could talk to Heeseung about this, </em> Jay muses as he watches Sunghoon and Jake kiss, sees flashes of tongue, his body, blessedly, not bothering to respond like it had before. Heeseung is his hyung, the group’s confidante and secret-keeper. As strange as this situation is, he would be the most likely to understand. But Heeseung has a habit of overworking, trying to outdo himself, and that’s especially the case now with the debut so close. Just this morning before they’d all piled into the van to head off to Big Hit’s headquarters for a day of dance practice and recording, the older boy had emerged from the studio with a sheen of sweat coating his skin, as if he’d gotten up and went straight there. Practicing alone in the morning, then practicing with the others <em> even more </em> later that day. Heeseung might be the most reliable candidate to confide in, but saddling him with problems that are not even his own would be overkill. Now is not the right time.</p><p>Then again, after the debut, when <em> will </em> be the right time? Will he ever get an opportunity after they’re officially ENHYPEN? He’s taken a peek at their schedule in the proceeding weeks and, following their week-long grace period (when Heeseung will no doubt need his rest), they’ve got interviews and photoshoots and virtual fanmeets lined up <em> almost every day</em>. Jay knows this should excite him: achieving idol-hood, connecting with fans—everything he’s worked for, given his youth for, a significant part of his childhood devoted solely to achieving this goal. But if this thing with Sunghoon and Jake is enough to overwhelm him, how prepared is he truly for being an idol?</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Oh my god,” Jay exclaims in English, voice pitched so high it cracks. “<em>Oh my god</em>.”</p><p>They’re all standing in a close circle just backstage in one of the dressing rooms, dripping sweat onto their expensive stage outfits, ear pieces dangling, chests heaving and eyes wide. </p><p>“I can’t believe we did it,” Heeseung gasps, taking the cloth a passing crewmember offers to wipe at his glistening forehead. “We debuted. We made it.” His lip quivers and his eyes start to dampen and he quickly hides them behind a hand. </p><p>Jay feels pressure at the back of his own eyes and has to look away. “No, don’t start crying. I won’t be able to—” his voice trembles and breaks on a small sob, “damn.”</p><p>Jungwon lets out a laugh and slaps Jay on the back. “I knew it. You <em> always </em>cry.”</p><p>“You’re crying, too,” Jay points out, dabbing at his eyes. </p><p>“Not as much as you.”</p><p>Jay shoves him, then pulls him back again, into a firm hug, and just like that, the others take that as a signal to pile in. They throw arms around each other, press their heads together, and cry, all snot and melting makeup and occasional feathery laughter. They’d done it: ENHYPEN is officially an idol group. </p><p>They sit through the rest of the performances fidgeting in their seats, singing along, laughing, wiping happy tears from their eyes. Jay has laughed himself hoarse by the time the shows end and they all pile into the van to head home, chattering the whole way. They make celebratory ramyeon at the dorm despite it being one in the morning, but it doesn’t matter because they have an entire week off and they’re too hyped to sleep anyway. The dorm may be cramped, but their smiles come easy and they’re together, they’re ENHYPEN, and the world is at their feet. There are some questions, worries that come up after they’re away from the lights and applause and bone-shaking bass: had they been good enough with so little time to prepare? Had anyone noticed the little mistakes they made on stage? Would the Engenes approve? Were they good enough? But these doubts are swiftly overshadowed by the fact that <em> they were on stage as an official group, holy shit. </em>So they remain awake for another two hours until conversation starts to lull and Niki begins nodding off where he sits. </p><p>Jay takes his turn to shower and staggers to his bed, falling into it, and then realizes that there’s a mountain of discarded clothing covering the entire mattress. Shit, he’d meant to clear it off earlier, but things had just gotten so busy…</p><p>Too tired to shovel out a space among the miles of fabric, he gropes along in the dark until he reaches the bunk across from his own and finds an empty section of mattress to occupy. The firm warmness that greets him as he climbs in tells him that there’s someone else in the bed, which would make sense since the bed isn’t his own. His groggy brain struggles to remember whose bed this is and he eventually concludes that it’s Jungwon’s, not Sunghoon’s or Jake’s, because he doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle crawling into the same bed with <em> them </em>after they’ve been tongue kissing each other for the past few days. That would be a whole other level of weird. </p><p>The dreams return, hot and heavy. Except now he’s not in the studio, but on a bed—a <em> large </em> bed, so big it seems to stretch from wall-to-wall. And on that bed are Sunghoon <em> and </em> Jake, crawling toward him, pushing him down until he’s sprawled among the pillows. Their hands are on him, on his suddenly <em> bare skin</em>. He looks down to verify that he’s shirtless and when he looks back up <em> they’re </em> shirtless, too. Not a word passes between any of them, Jay’s mind at ease, telling him that this is good, this is supposed to happen. Maybe they’ve done this before. In fact, he’s sure they have, if the way they touch him is anything to go by, their fingers finding every sensitive spot with ease. Jake climbs on top of him, straddling his hips, ass firmly pressed down against his crotch, and Jay can’t help grinding up, and, <em> fuck that feels good. </em>Sunghoon leans close, capturing Jake’s lips and wasting no time sliding his tongue in. Jay watches, enraptured, growing harder and harder by the second. His hands go to Jake’s waist, holding him in place, grinding up, up, up—</p><p>Jay kicks himself awake, a hard-on raging in his sweatpants. Groaning with irritation, he reaches down to relieve it and then he feels something—<em>someone</em>—shift behind him. <em>Shit. </em>That’s right: he’s not sleeping in his own bed. His eyes fly open, adjusting to the dark, and he quickly stuffs the hand that was going for his groin back under the pillow he’d brought over. Every muscle goes rigid in his effort to remain completely still, surveying the room. No one’s awake. Good. At least, no one he can see. He can hear Niki snoring and Jungwon’s occasional mumbles from one of the other bunks and—wait, <em>Jungwon</em>? The boy he’s supposed to be sleeping beside? Mind racing, he pours over the layout of the room and, yes, this is Jungwon’s bed. But, based on what he’s heard, Jungwon has chosen to sleep instead on one of the top bunks. The bunk that belongs to Sunghoon…</p><p>The body behind him shifts again, more forcefully this time. It feels like the person has rolled completely over to face his back. <em> Fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck</em>. Jay curses his body for remaining stubbornly aroused throughout this entire revelation, heart jumping into his throat when he hears a voice that is undeniably Sunghoon’s whisper, “Jay?”</p><p>As much as Jay wants to lie there and pretend he’s asleep, has been asleep this whole time, Sunghoon sounds like he already knows Jay is wide awake and wants him to turn over to face him. So, against his better judgement, he does just that. In his panic, however, he doesn’t account for his erection. It brushes briefly against Sunghoon’s thigh and when their eyes meet Jay knows, he <em> knows</em>, from the look in them, the way the younger boy’s breath hitches, that he’s been found out. </p><p>There’s a moment where they lay there in complete silence, so close their noses almost touch, Jay angling his hips as far as possible away from Sunghoon’s tempting warmth and trying to ignore how it makes his cock twitch with need. The blood rushing in his ears pitches into a roar as his goddamned horny brain cooks up all sorts of scenarios that are just <em> wrong </em> and, no, he shouldn’t be thinking about doing that kind of stuff with his <em> friend</em>, but his lips are right <em> there </em> and it wouldn’t take anything, nothing at all, to lean in—</p><p>But he doesn’t need to, not when Sunghoon does it for him. </p><p>Everything in Jay melts with that kiss, especially—and most dangerously—his inhibitions. His pent-up hormones combine with the residual euphoria of the debut and then he’s kissing him back, the lower half of him inching closer in spite of himself, until his hardness is pressed into Sunghoon’s thigh. </p><p><em> What am I doing? What am I doing? </em> Jay screams at himself in his head, but his body is on autopilot, finally receiving what it’s been craving for so long, and it doesn’t listen. Sunghoon doesn’t seem to be stopping either. In fact, his hand shoots out to cup Jay’s face, pulling him impossibly closer so that their mouths are messily smashed together. Their tongues wrestle and their teeth clack, and it should be weird, it should be awkward, but Jay <em> needs </em> , rolling his hips into Sunghoon with fervor. Sunghoon’s hand wanders, sliding over his neck and collarbone and—Jay gasps at the sensation—to his bare chest. Shirtless. <em> Of course </em> he’s shirtless at a time like this. To distract Sunghoon from feeling just how fast his heart is racing beneath his palm, he extends his own hand to curl around the back of his neck, just how they’d done in practice. And it feels… instinctive. </p><p>No words pass between them for a few long minutes, just endless kissing and, in Jay’s case, grinding. Then he feels a hot, pulsing hardness brush against his clothed cock and everything in him tightens with panic.</p><p>His hand goes from Sunghoon’s neck to his chest, instinct compelling him to push. He shoves himself away from Sunghoon, their lips separating with a wet <em> pop</em>, and flails as he tumbles off the bed completely. The <em> thump </em> he makes as he hits the floor is loud enough that he <em> knows </em>he’s woken the others up. Mind racing, heart all but exploding out of his chest, he pushes to his feet and they immediately start moving on their own, carrying him out of the room all the way to the bathroom, where he closes and locks the door behind him. </p><p>For a full minute, he struggles to get control of his breathing, hands gripping the sides of the sink, white-knuckled and clammy. “What… the hell… was that?” he gasps, staring at his reflection. Jesus, he looks debauched: lips swollen red and glistening with saliva, face flushed like he’s just run a marathon, hair hopelessly askew. And after all that, even after the punch in the face reality had dealt him when Sunghoon’s erection brushed against him, he’s <em> still </em> hard. Granted, not <em> as </em>hard, but still. That’s much harder than he’d prefer. </p><p>And <em> oh shit, what the fuck, </em> Sunghoon had an <em> erection. </em> He hadn’t stuck around to verify, but what else could have been jutting out from between Sunghoon’s thighs? Jay knows he’s being a hypocrite because he himself had—still has—an erection, but he can’t help being completely mortified by it. Just the <em> thought </em> that Sunghoon got hard because of what they’d been doing, because of <em> him </em>…</p><p>A knock. Jay makes a startled noise, feet slipping on the tiled floor as he jumps. “Jay, are you okay? I heard a loud noise and Sunghoon said you fell off the bed.”</p><p>Shit, it’s Jake. <em> Of all the people… </em>“I-I’m okay.” Jay cringes at the waver in his voice, clearing his throat to mask the cause. “Just checking for bruises.” God, what an obviously bullshit excuse. He can only hope Jake is tired enough not to question it. </p><p>Then he hears another voice, one that has every muscle in his body coiling painfully tight. “Let me deal with this. Go back to sleep.” Quiet footsteps padding away. Then louder, accompanied by another knock, “Jay, it’s Sunghoon. Meet me in the studio when you’re ready.”</p><p><em> I know it’s you, </em> Jay muses, sweat trickling down his back. <em> And I’m not ready. I’ll </em> never <em> be ready</em>. His lungs feel half their size as he struggles to keep from hyperventilating, yet he manages to squeak out a dumb, “Uh huh.”</p><p>He holds his breath until he hears Sunghoon walk down the hall, then his legs turn to jelly with relief and he’s forced to catch himself on the sink. <em>What am I gonna do? </em>The thought crosses his mind to just inch the door open as quietly as possible and tiptoe back to his bed. Fuck it, he’d sleep on top of his pile of clothes even if it would absolutely wreck his back. But no, he’s not a coward, and he’s the one who decided it would be a good idea to <em>grind his dick into Sunghoon, what the fuck was he thinking</em>? Oh god, he can’t face him, not now. His boner is going down, thank fuck, but after crossing a line so boldly…</p><p>Jay’s feet bring him to the studio door before he has time to make any more excuses. All of this—the flirting, the kissing, the… whatever <em> that </em> was that just happened—it all ties back to <em> him </em> and his stupid insecurities about being an idol. If there’s anyone who’s going to solve this problem, whose ultimate responsibility it is <em> to </em>solve this problem, it’s him. </p><p>“‘Sup.” Sunghoon greets as soon as Jay opens the door. He’s standing in the middle of the studio, arms glued to his sides, looking as if someone has just told him his whole family got hit by a truck. </p><p>Jay barely steps over the threshold, the door pressing flush into his back as he closes it behind him. “‘Sup.”</p><p>A beat.</p><p>“Um, so…” Sunghoon trails off. He shifts from foot to foot, eyes darting from the floor to the wall, but never to Jay’s face. </p><p>“Yeah,” Jay supplies unhelpfully. The AC unit kicks on above his head with a rattling purr, and a lick of warmth rolls across his chest. His <em> bare </em> chest. Fuck, he’d forgotten. Maybe if he’d put a shirt on before coming to talk to Sunghoon this would have gone better. <em> Stupid! </em></p><p>But no. There’s no way this could have gone any better. Not with Sunghoon practically ready to bolt, not with Jay’s brain melting as he tries to puzzle out what to say. A line had been crossed and there was no going back. They both know it, but they’re too afraid to say it out loud.</p><p>After a full minute of them both examining every corner of the studio in lieu of actually making eye contact, Jay can’t stand the weight of the tension and finally says, “Maybe, um… we should talk about this in the morning?”</p><p>Sunghoon’s gaze snaps to him briefly, a flicker of gratitude crossing his eyes. “Yeah,” he agrees. “When we’re less tired.” </p><p>Jay nods, tries to tell himself he’s not a coward for this. They’ll talk about what happened—just not now. “Okay, good.”</p><p>Jay continues to stand there like an idiot until he realizes that he’s blocking the door. “Oh, uh, I’m just gonna…” He turns his back on Sunghoon, relieved to be free of seeing his face, how confused and upset he'd made him. “Goodnight.”</p><p>Sunghoon didn’t come to bed immediately after Jay did. Jay knows, because he didn’t sleep a wink that night, too afraid of the dreams, too afraid of the repercussions, just generally a total chickenshit because being a chickenshit is easier than confronting problems. He lies there, finding comfort in the anonymity provided by the silent dark, having shoved aside his pile of clothes so he could sleep on his own bed. A small part of him screams to get back up and go to Sunghoon, to start the conversation they hadn’t managed to have in the studio earlier, but he feels like he weighs a million pounds, his muscles refusing to budge. Then, a whole hour after they’d last spoken to each other, after Jay had crossed a line that should have never been crossed, he hears Sunghoon pad back into the room and climb up into his own bunk to sleep beside Jungwon. There’s a short exchange between the two, with Jungwon asking if Sunghoon is okay. He sounds concerned, and Jay stiffens, wondering just how much Jungwon had seen or heard. </p><p>“Just a little too excited from today,” he hears Sunghoon whisper reassuringly. “Couldn’t sleep and had to wait around for myself to get tired again. Go back to sleep.”</p><p>And Jungwon does go back to sleep, snoring away, while Jay listens to the soft rustle of Sunghoon’s tossing and turning until the milky dawn light peeks out from around the blackout curtains.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“So, what the hell was all that about last night?”</p><p>Niki’s question hovers like a swarm of angry bees above Jay’s head. He glances in Sunghoon’s direction, down the breakfast table, and notices that the other boy has stopped mid-chew. A red flush starts to creep up his neck and Jay wonders exactly what parts of last night’s events he is remembering—the kissing? The grinding? The boner? How he also got hard? How Jay was hard even before they’d done anything? Jay tries to swallow down his cereal, but it’s like glue catching in his throat. </p><p>Heeseung frowns. “What about last night? Did I miss something?”</p><p>“You miss <em> everything</em>,” Sunoo says, rolling his eyes. “You sleep like a log.”</p><p>Jay coughs, choking on his food. </p><p>“Whoa, you okay?” Jungwon asks, placing both hands on the table as if he’s prepared to rush over and do the Heimlich. </p><p>Jay waves him off, coughing some more. “I’m… fine.” He pauses to swallow thickly. “Just ate too fast.”</p><p>“So, mind telling us what happened before you choke to death on your breakfast?” Niki says. </p><p><em> God, why is this kid so curious? </em>Jay thinks irritably, taking a few much-needed gulps of water. “Not much, really,” he says with a completely straight face. “Rolled off the bed in the middle of the night. Kind of hit my head and went to check for bruising in the bathroom.”</p><p>“Sure, sure, it’s totally not because you were embarrassed,” Sunoo quips. </p><p>“Well aren’t <em> you </em>full sass this morning?” Heeseung says, but Sunoo just flashes him a round-cheeked smile as he sips his tea. </p><p>Jay knows Sunghoon is watching him from the other end of the table, can feel his eyes. Is he afraid that Jay will tell them what actually went down? And, if so, why would Sunghoon think Jay was that heartless? He tries not to dwell on it, but he does take note of Sunghoon’s almost completely full bowl of oatmeal that he has only taken two bites of since he sat down. “Okay, maybe I was a <em> little </em>embarrassed,” Jay concedes, hoping to deflect any sort of suspicion that may have wormed its way into Niki’s mind. </p><p>“Do we need to get one of those crib guards that keeps toddlers from rolling off the bed?” Jungwon wonders, smirking. “Or maybe just a crib?”</p><p>Niki nods at Jay’s now empty cereal bowl. “Might have to spoon-feed him too, just in case.”</p><p>The friendly ribbing continues until they clean up and move to the living room where Jay throws himself into round after round of <em> Mortal Kombat X </em>against Niki, then Heeseung. He pours all of his frustrations into the game, brutalizing the others so much that they eventually admit defeat and sit back to watch him fight the AI. He’s pretty sure during some point that Sunghoon was sitting on the floor leaning back against the couch, then in a chair in the corner, then nowhere to be seen. Off-handedly, he asks the room in general, “Where’s Sunghoon?”</p><p>“Said he was going for a walk,” Jake tells him. He’s been hanging around almost the entire time, almost pacing back and forth between the kitchen and the living room like he knows something has happened between them, something more than what Jay had admitted that morning. Which, of course Jake would. He’s way too good at reading a room. “He’s been awfully quiet today,” Jake adds, and Jay is taken aback when he fixes him with an accusing gaze. “I hope he’s not ill.”</p><p>Fuck. How is he supposed to just ignore that? If Heeseung and Jungwon share the title of father of the group, Jake is the doting mother. And he’s about to go Mama Bear on his ass unless he does something. Getting the point, Jay drops the controller in Jungwon’s lap and goes to the shared bedroom to have some privacy. He clears a space among the clothes on his bed and sits down, shooting a text Sunghoon’s way. </p><p>
  <em> “Hey sorry about last night.” </em>
</p><p>Here, alone and without Sunghoon’s shifting expressions of bewilderment and anxiety and thinly-veiled disgust, it’s easier for Jay to say it, to face what he’s done, how he’s damaged their friendship. Immediately, three dots appear and he breathes a sigh of relief when Sunghoon responds with, <em> “Don’t be sorry. I’m just at fault.” </em></p><p>Jay frowns. <em> “No I should never have started all this. Now it’s weird.” </em></p><p>The dots appear again. Sunghoon is typing. Then, suddenly, he’s not.</p><p>Jay’s heart rate picks up as he waits and he waits. He waits what feels like an hour but what is only, according to his watch, two minutes.</p><p>When Sunghoon finally <em> does </em> finish typing, the response Jay gets has him puzzled: <em> “What if it doesn’t have to b weird?” </em></p><p><em> “How?” </em>Jay types back. </p><p>
  <em> “We were just practicing.” </em>
</p><p>Jay leans back against a tower of clothes, taking in what those words mean, trying to deny that he <em> knows </em> what they mean. But what other explanation is there? And what other choice does Jay have than to agree? If this is what helps Sunghoon cope with what happened, then who is he to object? After all, it <em> is </em> his fault, no matter what Sunghoon tells him. </p><p>Jay takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly—although it does nothing to calm the frantic beating for his heart. <em> “Sure just practicing.” </em></p><p>Sunghoon’s response is quick, like he’d already typed it out and was just waiting to hit send: <em> “And practice makes perfect right?” </em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just a little taste of some light smut for you, but as the story progresses it will get more explicit. It'll only go downhill from here... or uphill, depending on your love of smut.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Two updates at once. Double surprise! :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jay can’t believe what he reads. He spends the rest of the morning sitting on the edge of his bunk staring at the floor, coming to every now and then to open his messages and reread the text just to be sure. How is he supposed to interpret this? Because there’s no way this is what Jay thinks it is. There’s no way that this is… a proposal? To—</p><p>To <em> what</em>, exactly? Although Jay is alone, his face burns with a blush. Sunghoon can’t possibly mean what happened between them last night, can he? Because that would just be insane. Yet, despite Jay’s shock, he keeps circling back around to what he’d decided earlier, that if this is what Sunghoon wanted, if this would be what it took to help him cope, then Jay would go along with it, for his sake. <em> You could say this </em> entire thing <em> is your fault</em>. And it is. He has to take responsibility for what he started. He put himself as the captain of this ship; either he steers it through stormy seas or he goes down with it. </p><p>He decides a nap would probably serve his addled brain well. Maybe if he gets some sleep things won’t seem so bad when he wakes up. So, he passes out for about an hour until the air is crushed out of him by an over-sugared Niki. “What the hell?” Jay grunts as he shoves the boy off of him. “I was <em> sleeping</em>.”</p><p>“I know!” Niki guffaws, rolling around on the floor. On the bed across from them, Jungwon tosses a pillow right into Jay’s face as soon as he sits up. Jay chucks it aside and immediately launches himself at Jungwon, managing to grab him by the ankles before he can reach the door.</p><p>They wrestle for a few minutes, just Jay and Jungwon and Niki, like it’s any ordinary day. Like the time before everything became so complicated. Then a shadow falls over them and Jay is peering up into Jake’s smiling face. Jay’s mouth goes completely dry.</p><p>“Lunch is here,” he says cheerily, although his eyes convey a severity Jay knows is just for him. </p><p>Niki wriggles out from underneath Jay and jumps to his feet. “Lunch? Did you make ramyeon?”</p><p>“Nah, takeout. Galbijjim.”</p><p>“<em>Yes</em>.” Jungwon trips over his own feet, falling against Niki in his sprint for the door and knocking him to the wall. Niki shoves Jungwon so hard he hurtles into the opposite wall. Giggling and swaying, they squeeze through the door and out into the kitchen. </p><p>Jay, meanwhile, groans as he pushes himself to his feet, stretching with his hands over his head. God, he feels stiffer than even before he went to sleep. “Where’s Sunghoon?” he asks as casually as he can manage with Jake standing in front of him, staring him down. </p><p>“He came back,” Jake says, supplying him with nothing else. </p><p>Jay doesn’t know how to interpret that and can’t come up with anything to say in response. All he knows is that Jake’s silence can’t mean good things, especially considering that good food and a day off are two of Jake’s most favorite things and even those haven’t seemed to lighten his mood.</p><p>So Jay straightens his clothes and fixes his hair, following Jake out into the kitchen where the smell of their lunch fills the entire room. Jay glances around at those gathered to confirm that, yes, Sunghoon has returned. He already has a bowl in hand, filling it with rice, the braised short ribs, various sides. When he catches sight of Jay, he nods, smiles, then finds a space at the table. Jay does the same, returning the smile, feeling like he’s slipped into an alternate universe where what had transpired last night and even just a couple of hours ago with their text exchange never took place. He spaces out during the entire lunch, every conversation going right over his head as he picks at his food. </p><p>Dinner is much the same, with Jay barely eating, tossing out the occasional, “Yeah” and “Huh” whenever he feels the need to respond for the sake of keeping everyone off his back. Every now and then he sees Jake observing him with worry and Sunghoon casting pitiful glances in his general direction, watching him out of the corner of his eye. Jay knows he’s being a coward, that he should just confront Sunghoon face-to-face about this predicament, but he can’t bring himself to do it. If there had even been a hint that he and Sunghoon might end up alone together that day, Jay’s body reacted almost violently—a clenching in the gut, a tightening of the chest, a swift turn of the heel. He would have literally run during those occasions if it wasn’t for his looming fear that the others might find out about this… secret. God, that’s exactly what it is, isn’t it? A horrible, gnawing little secret that will only lengthen the space between him and Sunghoon day by day until any and all communication becomes impossible. </p><p>He can’t let that happen. He can’t let their dreams be crushed so simply. </p><p>Besides, he can’t take Jake’s accusing stares. </p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>It’s the only thing Jay can think to say. The words burst out of him as soon as their dorm disappears behind a hedge, Sunghoon trailing behind him. He’d decided that getting as far as possible out of earshot of the others would be ideal, so he grabbed Sunghoon and asked him to go on a short walk around the block. </p><p>“Sorry for what?” Sunghoon asks. </p><p><em> Why are you making me say it? </em>Jay wonders and stops walking to give Sunghoon time to catch up. There would be no more running from this. “You know.”</p><p>“Oh, that?” Sunghoon pulls up beside him, waving his hand dismissively. As if he hadn’t already been thinking it. “You’ve already apologized for that. Is there something else you did I need to know about?”</p><p>Tension seeps from Jay’s muscles at the sight of Sunghoon’s disarming smile. In a way, Jay is lucky—he couldn’t have picked a better person to endure this shame with. “No, it’s just—”</p><p>Sunghoon shakes his head. “The sooner we move past the guilt, the better.”</p><p>“You say that,” Jay replies, shoving his hands in the pocket of his pullover, “but I don’t know if that’ll ever happen, not completely. On my part, at least.” He takes a seat on a nearby bench, feeling too anxious to walk. Sunghoon joins him.</p><p>Silence, then, “I… have an idea that I think might help with that.”</p><p>Jay cocks his head at him, heart squeezing in his chest. <em> This is it, </em> he muses. <em> This is where Sunghoon tells me of a plan to clear the air between us. This is where he clarifies that I was stupid to think that his texts this morning went anywhere beyond the platonic. </em>God, he’s so paranoid about everything now. What’s wrong with him, jumping to the worst conclusions at such a benign, trivial exchange? He needs to get more sleep. Seriously.</p><p>“Why don’t we make that practice, too?”</p><p>Jay sputters, all the color seeming to drain from his face and into Sunghoon’s own. Wildly, he peers around as if they’re sitting in a crowded cafe on the edge of a busy street instead of a private, tree-enclosed footpath behind their dorm. Even safely alone far from prying eyes and ears, Jay can’t help but sink into the swell of his paranoia. Next to him Sunghoon clears his throat several times, choking on his words. His eyes dart down to his lap, cheeks aflame. </p><p>“Um, I’m sorry,” Sunghoon finally manages, not looking at him. “I didn’t mean—”</p><p>“No, it’s fine,” Jay rushes to say, the weight of his responsibility forcing the assurance out of him even as his brain screams, <em> It’s </em> not <em> fine. Nothing about this is fine! </em> But he can’t just tell Sunghoon off completely, not with him staring at him like that, looking so <em> vulnerable</em>. “I mean, if that’s what will make you feel better about all this…”</p><p>“No.” Sunghoon’s tone is so firm that Jay stiffens, prepares to backpedal on his words, but then he continues, “No, it’s not just about making <em> me </em>feel better. You’ve gotta feel good about this as well. Don’t agree to it just to please me.”</p><p><em> Fuck, he sees right through me. </em> Jay tries not to swallow, to give any indication that Sunghoon has cut right to the heart of his anxiety. He decides the best route is to be honest. There’s no reason to lead Sunghoon on only to freak out later and make him feel guilty about it. “Look,” he sighs, dropping his elbows onto his knees. “It’s not that your plan is unreasonable. It… naturally follows that if the kissing practice worked as a solution to the Jake predicament that this would work just as well. But this seems to be a <em> big </em>step up from kissing and I’m worried that—”</p><p>Sunghoon makes a strange noise in his throat and Jay pauses, expecting him to burst into tears or something. Instead, Sunghoon guffaws. “Dude, okay, I get it. If you’re trying to say you’re not into guys, I <em> know </em> that. It wouldn’t be like that anyway. Lights off, no talking. Hell, we don’t even have to kiss or anything, if that’s too intimate. We do it when everyone else is asleep, under the covers, and we don’t talk about it <em> at all</em>. Act like it didn’t even happen afterwards. What goes on in the bed, stays in the bed. Yeah?”</p><p>“Um…” Jay doesn’t know what to say to that. It seems Sunghoon has thought about this much more than he would have given him credit for. But he doesn’t have time to puzzle out the why, because Sunghoon is waiting for an answer. “Uh, well, I-I don’t know. I don’t know if I can… if I’d be able to, you know.” Jay is fully aware that he’s blushing and wants to look away, to look at anything but Sunghoon. That would only make him seem all the more like a prude. He searches his mind for more to say, but the words won’t come. <em> Is this what it feels like to turn someone down? </em> is what he thinks of instead, which makes him blush even harder. <em> What? No, this isn’t that situation </em> at all<em>. Stop fucking thinking like that.  </em></p><p>Sunghoon eventually nods. “Yeah, I understand. I’m sorry if I made you feel pressured.”</p><p>“But I didn’t—”</p><p>Sunghoon holds up a hand and Jay goes silent. “No need to lie. If you feel uncomfortable about doing something, then tell me. I never want you to feel like you have to make concessions for me. If something is a no for you, then it’s a no. You don’t need to explain, okay?” He stands and extends a hand. “We’d better get back before they come looking for us.”</p><p>“Yeah. Okay.” Jay grabs his offered hand and lets himself be pulled up, feeling like he’s created even more of a problem. They head home with only the sound of Sunghoon’s whistling between them. By the time they return, Jungwon has already gone to bed and, with a yawn, Sunghoon goes to join him. Heeseung, Niki, and Jake are watching the episodes of I-Land they hadn’t gotten to, and Jay finds Sunoo stuffing his face with ice cream in the kitchen.</p><p>“Aren’t you supposed to be on a diet?” Jay asks, raising an eyebrow at him. Sunoo whines pitfully through his mouthful and Jay chuckles. “Okay, okay. I promise I won’t tell.”</p><p>Jay decides to go to the living room and passively watch I-Land with the others (even though he’s already seen all the episodes) and play some games on his phone. When midnight hits, he bids them goodnight and heads off to the bathroom to brush his teeth. </p><p>When he looks back up into the mirror after leaning down to spit, he sees Jake standing right behind him and gives an embarrassing squeak. “Fuck, man! If you needed to share the sink, you could’ve just asked.”</p><p>Jake’s eyes narrow. “Did you resolve it?”</p><p>“Resolve what?”</p><p>“Whatever it was between you and Sunghoon.”</p><p><em> Should I tell him the full story? </em> Jay wonders. After all, Jake is a part of this, maybe not in the same way, but in <em> some </em>way. He thinks on it for a moment, then licks his lips. No. No, he doesn’t need to draw anyone else further into his mess. So, he lies with a completely straight face, “Yeah. All good. Awkward, but it’s fine now.”</p><p>Seemingly satisfied with that answer, Jake nods and his usual smile is back. “‘Night,” he chirps at him before stepping out into the hall and heading for the bedroom. “Already told Sunghoon we’re off for tonight’s practice. Figured you both would be pretty emotionally exhausted after today.” </p><p>“Thanks, that’s very consid—” Jay begins, then pops his head out of the bathroom. “Hey! Don’t you need to brush your teeth? Take a piss?”</p><p>“No need. Already did.”</p><p>Jay frowns, dropping his toothbrush back in the cup on the sink. Had Jake been waiting to get him alone? He doesn’t know whether he should be grateful that Jake has kept his promise of upholding their secret or creeped out at the way Jake managed to catch him so perfectly off-guard. Thankfully, not off-guard enough to reveal what had actually transpired between him and Sunghoon.</p><p>He manages to get to sleep that night, after some tossing and turning. He’d mentioned to the others earlier that he wasn’t feeling well to avoid the possibility of someone crawling into bed with him and… well, the <em> implications </em> of that. He wonders briefly if Sunghoon is also afraid of <em> that </em> happening again, maybe even with another group member. But if Sunghoon is worried, his soft snoring from one of the top bunks belies it. </p><p>Jay’s anxiety from the day serves him well; he passes out too hard to dream. He passes out so hard, in fact, that he’s one of the last to wake up. While on any other day he would have scolded himself for not getting an early start, he figures that he’s on a mini-vacation right now—he can afford to wake up late for once. </p><p>The day passes with them playing games, catching up on shows, working out in the studio. There’s a dance competition, with the challenge being to immediately pick up the dance routine when any part of its respective song is played. Heeseung <em> just </em>edges out Niki for the win. His reward is to have everyone serve him for the entire day. When Jay gets back from running his fifth errand for him, he feels tempted to smack him upside the head even if he is his hyung.</p><p>Sunghoon and Jake carry on as they usually have, Sunghoon, for his part, giving no indication that they even had such an intimate conversation yesterday. Or such an intimate moment the night before that. Any looks shared between him and Jay, any words exchanged, make it seem as if nothing even happened. And, while Jay knows he should be grateful, he’s kind of… not. He doesn’t know why, but he’s almost—would it be right to call it hurt? Like, sure he’s not into guys and sure Sunghoon wanting even in the <em> slightest </em>way to do something sexual with him would be horrifying, but some nonsensical part of him wonders if Sunghoon gave in so easily to Jay’s protestations because he respects Jay’s boundaries or if Jay isn’t good—attractive? trustworthy? engaging?—enough to be worth it.</p><p>These ridiculous concerns are temporarily assuaged when they all meet for their nightly practice session. Jay thought what happened with him and Sunghoon would color their sessions, make it painfully awkward. But it doesn’t. Instead, it’s almost a relief to feel Jake’s warm hand on his thigh, Sunghoon’s lips moving against his own. Like they still… <em> accept </em>him and the internal wreck that he is. </p><p>That night, he does dream. He dreams his wettest dream to date. This time, there’s no preamble, no bait-and-switch with a girl. The dream drops him right into the action: he’s sitting on the couch in the living room playing on his Xbox and in walks Sunghoon in only his tight boxer-briefs—a state Jay has seen him in before, although only once. As Jay stares, Sunghoon grabs the elastic of the waistband and pulls them down, his dick popping out fully erect. Jay isn’t fazed by it; in fact, he’s excited as Sunghoon walks over, grabs Jay’s controller out of his hand and tosses it aside. Then he lowers himself onto Jay’s lap, and it’s unbelievably hot when their bodies connect. So hot, that Jay comes right then. <em> “Sorry,” </em>he says, but Sunghoon tells him not to worry about it, then kisses him deeply. Sunghoon pulls away, sliding off Jay’s lap and to his knees on the floor, and Jay is suddenly naked from the waist down, his cock still hard and twitching, his cum running down his thighs. Sunghoon smiles up at him and extends his tongue, running it along his skin, catching the cum on it before it can reach the cushion below. </p><p>The next night he dreams again and it’s about Jake. That morning, Jay had gotten up to brush his teeth without realizing that Jake had just gotten finished with a shower. Too groggy to take heed of the light escaping around the edges of the door, he’d stepped in to find Jake stepping out of the shower at the exact same time. In his stupidity, his eyes had immediately gone to Jake’s crotch before squeaking an, “Oh god, I’m sorry,” and ducking back out of the bathroom. His mind must have latched onto the scene then and there, bringing it back up when he was unconscious and most vulnerable. In the dream, instead of leaving when he sees a naked Jake, the latter says far too seductively, <em> “You can stay.” </em> So, Jay stays. And watches as Jake bends and stretches, carefully, agonizingly, toweling off his wet body. When he’s finished, Jake walks over. <em> “You’ve been bad, ignoring Sunghoon,” </em> he said. <em> “He wants you. And this.” </em> He reaches down, takes Jay’s suddenly exposed cock in a firm hand. Then, suddenly, Jay is pumping into his fist, desperately, his nails digging into the door at his back. Jake presses his body flush to him, allowing Jay to grind into his soft belly. Jake’s lips are at his ear, his hands holding Jay’s hips tight against him. <em> “You gonna come on me? Gonna make me all sticky with you?” </em></p><p>Because he didn’t manage to finish in the dream that second night—although he did wake up in a sweat to give himself a shameful jerk-off—he suspected that the next night might yield something even <em> more </em>intense. And he was right. No amount of awkward encounters that day with Sunghoon and Jake as memories of the dreams rose unbidden to the forefront of his mind did anything to stem his underlying horniess. It only served to feed the beast. </p><p>Unlike in the other dreams, he’s the one to take control. He walks into their shared bedroom with some of the others hanging out on their beds, but he ignores them. Making a beeline for Sunghoon sitting on one of the bottom bunks, he places both hands on his chest and pushes until his back is flat against the mattress. Jay knows he’s being watched, that they’re not alone, but it doesn’t matter. He’s horny and he wants Sunghoon and he knows Sunghoon wants him. So he kisses him fiercely, fingers digging into his hair, hips grinding down. Jay is somehow already naked, but Sunghoon isn’t. He sets to work rolling up Sunghoon’s shirt to his collarbone and pulling his pants and underwear down to his ankles. Without skipping a beat, Jay tongues one of Sunghoon’s nipples, then sucks it. Their cocks are grinding directly against each other now, slick and hard and better than anything Jay has ever felt. <em> “Yes, don’t stop, don’t stop,” </em> Sunghoon groans, bringing his legs up to wrap around him. There’s a grunt, although Jay doesn’t know from whom, and a slick, sticky warmth spreads along his belly. <em> “Oh my god,” </em> he gasps in awe. <em> “Oh my god.” </em></p><p>He’s still in the middle of saying it when he kicks himself awake, hair plastered to his forehead and his chest heaving. There’s a stiff twitching between his thighs, and he dips a hand beneath the blanket to encounter a film of precum all over the skin around his crotch and soaking the cotton of his underwear. Exhausted by the early hour and his incessant sex drive, he rolls out of bed, hand cupped over his wet crotch. It’s still dark and he’s shaking with want, but he knows where to go by feeling along the wooden frames of each bunk. When he reaches one in particular, he feels his still-hard cock twitch against his palm, and he swallows as a desperate, gasping string of <em> ‘don’t stop’s </em>echo in his head, rolling down his body like the sweat rolling down his back, seizing the quivering core of him in a merciless vice grip.</p><p>Sunghoon is alone in his bed—lucky, considering Jay is in such a determined haze he doesn’t know whether he would have cared if anyone else was present or not. Almost as soon as his hands and knees hit the mattress, Sunghoon startles. “What—Jay? Is that you?” Even his whisper is erotic: gasping, breathy. Jay gives no answer, brain fuzzy, swimming in lust. He lowers his body onto Sunghoon’s, straddles one of his legs, presses his hips down. “Whoa.” The word escapes Sunghoon as an involuntary grunt, just loud enough to run the risk of rousing the others. Jay decides to muffle his shock with a kiss, smearing his lips on Sunghoon’s cheek before he can locate his lips. Only then does Sunghoon stop making noise. His hands come up, fingers ghosting against Jay’s bare torso, uncertain. They finally slip back to the mattress to rest at Sunghoon’s sides, and Jay tries to ignore the nagging disappointment that squeezes his chest by rolling Sunghoon’s shirt up to his collarbone. If Jay is bare-chested, then Sunghoon has to be bare-chested. It’s only fair. He sighs louder than he means to when warm skin meets his own.</p><p>Everything goes fuzzy around the edges after that, but a few moments carve deep grooves in his mind: the jut of Sunghoon’s knuckles on Jay’s skin as the former’s hands fist the sheets beneath him; wet skin slipping against skin; Sunghoon’s thigh burrowing between his legs; the irresistible friction of his precum-soaked underwear against Sunghoon’s knee. Jay even thinks that, at one point, he feels Sunghoon’s hands glide up the small of his back, hold him for a few seconds as he grinds. His faculties completely shot, his desire for the release he’s been craving blocks out any concerns for the consequences that may result from this. There is no room for anything but his <em> need</em>.</p><p>He has no idea just how long he continues like that, having settled on a steady if not frantic rhythm. Below him, Sunghoon lets him go, a soft whine occasionally escaping him, his lips leaving sticky smears on Jay’s cheek. So consumed is he with his own pleasure that he doesn’t realize Sunghoon is close, didn’t know he was even <em> hard</em>, until Sunghoon’s breath hiccups, his entire body stiffening. Then, submitting to slack exhaustion, Sunghoon whispers, as if he’d never before experienced release, “I-I c-came.” </p><p>Suddenly, Jay can feel Sunghoon’s length tucked along the inner curve of his pelvis, the hard, throbbing wetness of it. In a moment of clarity, he realizes he should feel disgusted. Then as quickly as the realization appears, it sinks into a building deluge of arousal that rolls nearly unbearable heat across his entire body. The heat flows outward, then contracts so abruptly that he’s left gasping for breath, concentrating in his chest and groin. He comes with a grunt, burying his face in Sunghoon’s sweaty neck, legs squeezing around the thigh between them, rocking, blissful. </p><p>By the time he comes to, light is creeping into the room through the curtains, far too much to have happened all at once. Although he still feels sluggish and heavy, a good amount of time must have passed since… </p><p>Since—</p><p>Sunghoon, who’d been quiet the entire time afterward, jumps when Jay pushes himself up onto his hands. Without a word exchanged, Sunghoon untangles his legs from Jay’s and Jay backs off of him until he makes contact with the bunk’s ladder. He winces as the coagulated cum pastes his underwear to his skin and hobbles to the bathroom as soon as his feet hit the floor.</p><p>Jay cleans up in the ghostly dimness of the bathroom’s nightlight, too afraid of the reality he would face if he turned on the actual light and got a full view of what he’d done. He strips off his boxer-briefs and wipes himself down with a warm, damp cloth, struggling to maintain the apathy that accompanies early morning drowsiness. As expected, his underwear is unsalvageable, and he’s so scared that the others will notice the cum in them that he chooses to throw them out rather than put them in the hamper with the rest of their collective laundry. He balls them up and inserts them in a Styrofoam takeout container already in the trash to be extra cautious, then he returns to his bunk. The light in the room is still as milky as when he left, and he hurriedly locates another pair of underwear to pull over his nakedness. </p><p>Sunghoon doesn’t snore, doesn’t give any hint as to whether he is asleep or awake, but Jay convinces himself not to care. Maybe if he goes to sleep now and wakes up in an hour or two, all of this won’t be so hard to deal with. Leave Sunghoon alone. Keep things separate, like Sunghoon said earlier. Only at night, in the dark, no talking. Compartmentalize. He won’t let this affect his daily life, because it won’t <em> be </em> part of his daily life—it will be like a dream. A very <em> lucid </em>dream. Nothing more.</p><p>That was why, when his alarm sounded and he went about readying himself for a day at school, he  didn’t let awkwardness dominate his exchanges with Sunghoon, who had also risen early for class. Even as their driver made the rounds to drop them off at their respective schools, they kept up a lively conversation like the previous night really <em> had </em>been a dream. Instead of having his studies interrupted by constant wet daydreams, he was able to take pages and pages of notes, neatly written and color-coded. He even had the focus to study for a good hour after he got home despite the ruckus taking place in the kitchen as Jake struggled to give a rudimentary cooking lesson to Niki. Eventually, though, he couldn’t ignore their incompetence any longer and went out to help.</p><p>Their practice session that night went smoothly, even more so than some previous nights. Jay tried not to think about how the extra kissing last night, how he better knows the curves of Sunghoon’s body, aided him during practice. Jake clapped at their sudden chemistry. “Whoa, that’s the best one yet,” he praised, his tone more awestruck than suspicious at the development. For Sunghoon’s part, he didn’t give anything away. Absolutely nothing at all. And when the time came for them to retire to their beds, there was no indication as to whether they would repeat last night’s events. </p><p>Even so, Jay feels the pull as he lies in bed, thinking about how easy it had been to push it all to the back of his mind. The temptation tugs at his cock like a phantom hand, hardening it in seconds. And he knows without reaching down to make an attempt at self-relief that he would come away unsatisfied if he remained alone in his bed. There is no getting around it now that he’s had a taste: the sensations, the <em> intensity</em>, that accompanies getting off with someone else far outstrips anything he will ever manage with his own hand. </p><p>This time when Jay climbs into Sunghoon’s bed, the younger boy doesn’t startle, doesn’t make a sound—almost like he expected Jay to visit him. Jay gasps louder than he means to when he finds that Sunghoon is shirtless, the feel of their skin brushing nothing short of electric. It’s ridiculous and cliché how Jay’s body reacts to the slightest ghost of Sunghoon’s fingers down his back, the hot puff of his breath against his neck, but here, in the dark, away from reality, he’s allowed to be desperate. Even so, he’s determined to last longer this time, make it worth the risk, so he angles his hips away from the enticing draw of Sunghoon’s knee and decides just kissing for a little while would be nice. </p><p>So, they kiss, Sunghoon’s hands lifting before going limp at his sides once again, and Jay wants so badly to tell him that it’s okay to put his hands on him, to touch him, to take what he wants just like Jay is taking what he wants. But that would mean breaking the silence, hearing Sunghoon’s voice so close to him as their skin touches, and—no, it’s for the best that neither of them speak. Sunghoon made the suggestion that they not speak as a way to make Jay more comfortable with the idea of doing this… whatever it is. Still, he has a feeling that the suggestion has origins in Sunghoon’s own discomfort. No reason to mess up what they already have.</p><p>There’s a softness to Sunghoon’s lips that Jay can’t fully appreciate during their practices. He suspects it’s because there’s an element of formality in that setting, where Jay is focused on improving himself, aware that he’s being watched and judged. Now, however, perched so intimately atop Sunghoon, he’s focused on himself, on his own pleasure, but without the pressure. The liberation makes Jay giddy, churns up his lust. This no-strings-attached arrangement is one of the most exciting things to ever happen to him. He’s sure of it when Sunghoon takes his bottom lip between his own and sucks. </p><p>Jay stifles a gasp as he finally pulls away from Sunghoon’s lips, trailing kisses along his neck, giving into instinct. Rougher than he means to, he shifts his hips fully onto Sunghoon, dropping down so hard the springs creak. The sudden weight forces an <em> oomph </em> out of Sunghoon and Jay lifts himself just slightly to give him the space he needs to fill his lungs. Meantime, he gently grinds against the thigh clutched between his legs. Without knowing why, Jay leans down and runs his tongue up the middle of Sunghoon’s naked chest, arriving at his collarbone, then the apple of his throat. Propping himself up on his elbows, he takes Sunghoon’s face in his hands and kisses him deep, his eyes slipping shut as he imagines doing this with a girl. He revels in the sensations, the tingling warmth that rises in his chest. Never had he thought just <em> kissing </em>someone, being close to them like this, would feel this… fulfilling. </p><p>And bubbling up inside him is a strange desire to speak, despite the risk it would impose, not just to have those hands touch him, but to praise, to say how good he’s feeling, to drive his lover into a frenzy. He wants to share his experience, the results of these new sensations, to revel in them. Jay wants to wrap himself in the hot implications of those words and wallow in the bliss. </p><p>Then—a flash, light bleeding through his eyelids. Jay almost hits his head on the ceiling as he jumps off Sunghoon and scuttles as far away as the bunk’s frame allows. Even so, he knows by Niki’s gaping mouth that he’s seen more than he needs to come to the worst conclusion. By some miracle, none of them had made a single sound other than the rustling of sheets. Still, Jay hardly has time to feel grateful that no one else had caught them in the midst of trying to stave off a heart attack. </p><p>Finally, after what seems like an hour of staring, Jay opens his mouth to explain. But Niki quickly raises a hand to stop him, shaking his head. Then, with a last glance between the two of them, Niki turns off the flashlight on his phone and sinks back down to the bottom bunk. Where he’d been sleeping. And probably felt the bunk shaking. </p><p>Fuck. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Niki has been officially scarred for life, lol.<br/>More frequent updates incoming since the semester is coming to an end and *definitely* more frequent smut. :P</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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